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Haiku Pink cherry blossom fading
Pink cherry blossoms
overcome by signs of spring
sprouts of green foliage
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Comments
swamp-witch
Thu, 2014-04-17 13:14
Hello Barbara,
I like your traditional approach with this haiku. I have a lot of trouble keeping my haikus purely about nature. They almost always end up as senryus! If I may say so, I think the last line has one too many syllables. Do you think something like "green foliage sprouts" would work?
If I may make one more suggestion, I think the part of the title, "blossom fading" would be a great title by itself.
Critique, don't comment.
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Barbara Writes
Thu, 2014-04-17 13:38
Swamp
Thanks for your suggestions. I appreciate it. And hope to hear from you again. But I beg to differ. I recounted the syllables.
I think it's 5 - sprouts of green fo liage.
Green foliage sprouts- sounds too easy to me. And blossom fading- is not as eye catching or unique to me.
I'll read some of yours
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentswamp-witch
Fri, 2014-04-18 12:53
Hey Barbara
I pronounce it fo-lee-ig, but the changes you make are always up to you! Thanks for understanding.
Critique, don't comment.
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Barbara Writes
Fri, 2014-04-18 15:15
Swamp
thanks I appreciate the suggestion
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentIan.T
Fri, 2014-04-18 14:58
Barbara one for the road
Squeaks among the faded blooms
Memories recharged again
Pear tree is in leaf
Sanctuary, blackbirds nest
New cycle of life.
Actually in my garden now take care over there,
Yours as always Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2014-04-18 15:17
Ian
Thanks A beautiful one.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2014-04-28 13:56
Ian
Would you like to finish this one now?
It is beautiful how you expand my poetry with your additions
"I put some words on another place here can we sort out a running Blog for this new Renga 6.
Your words:-
.
Pink cherry blossoms
overcome by signs of spring
sprouts of green foliage.
My words were:-
Squeaks among the faded blooms
Memories recharged again
Pear tree is in leaf
Sanctuary, blackbirds nest
New cycle of life.
New words from, Barbara then Alid:-
Rid self of clandestine thoughts
Dissembling friendships dark doubts
Let enmity die
So that friendship blooms anew
In its true beauty
Yours as always Ian.T"
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2014-04-28 14:13
It is a lovely one
Renga 6*
Pink cherry blossoms
overcome by signs of spring
sprouts of green foliage.
squeaks among the faded blooms
memories recharged again
Pear tree is in leaf
sanctuary, blackbirds nest
new cycle of life.
rid self of clandestine thoughts
dissembling friendships dark doubts
Let enmity die
so that friendship blooms anew
in its true beauty
under the cherry blossom
friends renga around the world
Co Writers
Barbara Writes
Ian T
Alidzain
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentraj
Mon, 2014-04-28 14:37
Barbara, Ian, Alid
Happy that I did not miss this one..well connected co-write...
raj (sublime_ocean)