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Cyberspace

Submitted by alidzain on Sun, 2014-03-16 14:04

A world of information,
created by technology,
holding tons of data,
both shared and kept in privacy

Some will benefit us
some will corrupt the mind
some may provoke us
some will change our lives

Here a variety of games
can be easily chosen
to chase away boredom
but too much time spent
can cause addiction

Here friendship blooms
between strangers,
defying the great distance
as they reach out
to each other

But hypocrisy can pass,
unnoticed.
The faceless could lie easily.
The bonding has been known
to end a marriage..

The sanctity of love here
may dwell in falsehood,
or it could be an honest truth,
it will be hard to prove.

In the end, its just a tool,
blameless for all our intentions.
Used for ill or good,
its us who make the decisions.....

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Sat, 2014-03-22 21:37

Hello alidzain,

I appreciate that this poem acknowledges that there are benefits to technology. So many people want to blame technology for all that is wrong with the world, but that's really not the truth. I think the poem has a lot of potential with some revision.

The main thing I would like to suggest is that you work on the line "holding millions of datas". First, data is both a singular and plural noun, so you would never use "datas". For example, you can have one piece of data or lots of data. Also, "millions of data" doesn't really make sense. Just like you wouldn't say "the ocean contains millions of waters", but you could say "the ocean contains lots of water" or "the ocean contains millions of gallons of water". Thus, you could either replace "millions" and use something less literal like "tons of data" or you keep "millions" by adding unit of measurement for data: bytes (which would result in the line "millions of bytes of data".

There are a few other small suggestions I could make, but that was the only instance in the poem where I stumbled because of a mistake. I hope this helps and I look foward to more of your writing!

Critique, don't comment.

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alidzain

Sun, 2014-03-23 02:06

Hello, my friend

thank you for the visit and comment. i'm still struggling with the language since i used to write in malay most of the time, so i welcome any suggestions for improvements

Alid

author comment

Rula

Sun, 2014-03-23 02:14

Hello Khalid

ditto what Swamp-witch said re data as be used both as singular and plural and the same can be said about "information". We usually collect "pieces of information".

hypocriscy...a typo?
All in all is said and it is said well.
Thanks for sharing.

I don't know how I forgot about the recording. I shall pm (asap)

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alidzain

Sun, 2014-03-23 05:23

Hi Rula

Thanks for the visit and the comment. You're right. its typo on my part.I'll recheck the spelling of the hard words in future.Done the rest of the edit.

Alid

author comment

loved

Sun, 2014-03-23 05:43

today

is the DAY of SCIENCE
God shall have to accept

loved

Neopoet

Cyberspace