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January Winds (Originally Written as a song)

January Winds

Cool and clear December nights
And cold January winds.
December cheer and Christmas lights,
Now the New Year begins.

Sitting alone with no-one around,
Thinking 'bout times that's been
Makes your spirit feel so down,
Frozen by January's wind.

Wondering what the New Year brings,
Sitting in my easy chair.
With thoughts of love and other things,
Floating on the frosty air.

Remembering December nights
January's seems too long
Hoping for some cheerful sights
To say that January's gone.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am doing one once in a while. I got my first novel published last year. Finished my second and looking for an agent while I am working on a third one along with helping out here. *L* Retirement is grand. I've never been so busy.

I'll see what I can come up with on that last line. I appreciate it. May the New Year bring you joy.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

It can be ordered from Amazon.com or the Publish America Website.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

I appreciate that immensely old friend. Will make the change. Works great.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

How I can see you sitting there in the moments you wrote this and the memories in the cold making you warm. Now Texan I would love to hear you sing this song or play it on your harmonica. Blessings to you and your family for a very happy new year.

Amore
Mona

You DON'T EVER want to hear me sing. *LOL*

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Some nice imagery here.

As a songwriter myself, I would be very interested to HEAR this one.

Do you have a link to the music somewhere?

Not having actually HEARD your singing of this, the following suggestions may be way off the mark: Feel free to ignore them if they are. But for what they are worth, from a Songwriter's perspective:

V1 line 4: from a METER point of view, there seems to be an extra syllable here you may want to consider losing: Suggest you either replace the last word "begins"with a suitable single syllable word or simply re-word this line to "A New Year Begins"

V2 Line 2 : consider replacing "that's" with " that've " ?

V4 Line 4 : Consider replacing " To say that January's gone" with "Once January's gone"?

Keep or Sweep. :-)

Cheers

Psyve

Good suggestions. I can write the words, hear how I want it to sound, but I can't sing or play. My oldest son is a musician (took after his mother I guess, although my dad could play anything by ear) I'm tone deaf mostly.

Will do some editing tomorrow. I really appreciate the suggestions. The best I could do is sing it in the rhythm I want, but it would cause someone with a musical ear/talent to shudder in pain.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

the turmoil of the mind...thoughts and feelings in this write is very palpable...

may the New Year augur very well for you dear friend...

armly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Your kind words are appreciated.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Superb imagery in this write ! Got a few ideas that you can consider :
L-4 now the chill new year begins (gives an added beat)
L-5 replace " with " with a comma
L-8 change January's ti mid winter's ( avoids over use of january and I think improves flow)
Last line try :
time that January's gone

3rd stanza was my favorite........................scribbler

Suggestions are always needed and appreciated.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment
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