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Defiant Till The End

Submitted by alidzain on Tue, 2014-03-11 17:27

I refuse to bow to tyranny
even if it spells the death of me
Your king may have chained my body
but my spirit is free!

He burns the homes of peasants
and kill all of their men
then their children watched in silence
as his army raped the women

He is a coward who bullies the weak!
A man who hides behind his lackeys!
While they fight until they bleed,
his royal guards guarantee his safety

A pathetic man, undeserving of his throne
is not worthy of my loyalty
for a man with a heart of stone
has nullified his humanity

Yet for all his failings, he still believed
that he is chosen by destiny to lead
he wanted me to concede defeat
to bow and kiss his feet!

He threatens me with torture
if I refuse to serve him
but I will never be a traitor
and I do not fear him

You scarred my skin with your whip,
hoping that I will beg for mercy
This mortal flesh you may rip
but you can't touch a soul, born free

When will all of you ever learn
that you have failed?
My will remains unbroken
My heart will prevail!

For I choose to die
as a free man
rather than to live
as a slave

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

scribbler

Fri, 2014-03-21 00:44

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First thing you need to do is decide whether to write this poem in present or past tense. I like the theme of freedom above life and think with some work this could be exceptional. Read this poem slowly out loud. Then think about what message you are trying to convey. Inserting some detail would help personalize it to the readers too. A lot of people might say that not rhyming the last stanza is a mistake. I personally think it is a method that can add emphasis. But if you Do want to emphasize the final message be sure the message is well stated and adding "rather" at beginning of 3rd line would help that...............stan

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