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VEILS edit

Submitted by Geremia on Wed, 2014-03-12 08:47

VEILS

No man can know the depths
of another man's pain.
The loss of another, The loss of oneself.
Life brings to each of us our own special moments
unique , unshared, unseen to the rest
covered in ritual veils, a broken heart
and a soul tottering on despair,

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Seren

Wed, 2014-03-12 10:51

Seren's picture

Oh Joe, I don't know what to say, none of us know the journey of another do we...

covered in ritual veils a broken heart
and a soul tottering on despair,

these last two lines need something...maybe a comma in the second last line, the meaning without it is a little lost, it can be read a few different ways and I am not sure what way you meant, and that doesn't happen with your poetry for me, ever.

love your Jayne xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geremia

Wed, 2014-03-12 15:09

Geremia's picture

Yes, I saw that. Thanks to you both.

joe

author comment

raj

Wed, 2014-03-12 14:38

I couldn't agree more with Jayne's comment.

I believe you need to add a comma after veils in the penultimate line. What you have said is true about knowing / feeling other's pain, just like only the person wearing the shoes knows where the shoe bites.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

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