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The glance
I can't remember
the shape of your eyes
but the glance I still do
as beautiful as invisible
as calm as afraid
Because here
in the mountain
darkness is draping me with fear
And I feel that someone is walking behind me
If I turn back
I extinguish myself
I cease
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Wed, 2014-03-05 18:02
I believe,
I believe the first verse is perfect, and could stand on its own. The second verse is also powerful, but i think the ending could be ( If i turn to you, I extinguish, I cease. ) But please these are only suggestions, this is a lovely poem as it is. Love Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Emina Smajevic
Thu, 2014-03-06 13:12
Roscoe
I like your suggestions but it's a bit late for any change here
it's already published
'If I turn to you' sounds great
but never mind
glad you like it
Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi
weirdelf
Fri, 2014-03-21 17:34
Emina, you have already published this
why did you choose the option
Editing stage:
Editing - rough draft
?
You know you can edit the poem on Neopoet, that is what we are here for.
It is why we are here.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Thu, 2014-03-06 14:01
Emina
What can I say? Nothing. Just applaud.
Keep posting such poems the style of which is ummmmmmmmm shall i say bewitching or bewildering or both?
raj (sublime_ocean)
Emina Smajevic
Thu, 2014-03-06 15:10
raj
you have just said what I want to hear
thank you !
Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi
raj
Fri, 2014-03-07 10:55
Emina
Glad to know that I read your poem correctly and that my comment was spot on. Keep posting more. I would latch onto them pronto :)
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Mon, 2014-08-04 06:14
Emina
Bravo! Another applause from me.
Alid