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Falling
I will remember
the leaping seas,
the sloping smile
of the shore.
As emerging naked,
the moon lit
your lines and curves,
moved, the stone
of my heart
cracked
I felt a fear
that my pages
were to be rewritten,
I grasped my breast,
and the wind charged
as the sky fell
I will forever remember
the crack and fall,
until my eternal kiss
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Tue, 2014-02-25 10:21
You know love is not my favourite genre
You, my dear, are often able to challenge my prejudices (though I may never be able to quite forgive you for voting for the Mad Monk, it is not necessary, you will suffer as everyone apart from the mega rich will).
Yes you have brought your Jayne Chloe magic to this piece, I was touched.
What more can I say? No suggestions. I hope my reading does it some justice,
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0vF9PzTTcgP
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 08:21
Jess
You have a beautifully smooth reading voice that I could listen to all day and night I have been listening to your readings and there are times you give me goose bumps, I had to smile if I have challenged your prejudices that's a good thing big...and its the best compliment
oh and by the way I didn't vote for the mad monk I didn't vote for anyone that day, long story...
Your reading was beautiful thank you for that I appreciate it very much
cheers JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-02-26 11:55
my very great pleasure,
my dear possum,
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Tue, 2014-02-25 10:14
Beautifully done!
Jane.
Many favorite lines, but especially liked
"As emerging naked,
the moon lit
your lines and curves,
moved, the stone
of my heart
cracked"
though I'd rearrange as:
As emerging naked,
the moon lit
your lines and curves(,)
moved,
the stone of my heart
cracked
and I thought you need either to punctuate all or leave it all.
just a thought dear.
Thanks for sharing
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 08:27
Rula
I am very happy you liked this one its close to being finished I understand your suggestion but if I take away the comma at the end of that line it will totally change the meaning that I intended when I wrote it, I do appreciate any and all suggestions so please don't hesitate to offer anything you think may improve my work
Thanks for reading its always a pleasure to hear your thoughts
love JC x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
raj
Tue, 2014-02-25 10:36
Dearest Jayne
Exquisite write dear friend with very good word usage to emote. All are good, so difficult to choose one over the other as favorite. I am sure you will eidt for punctuation as suggested by Rula, which is a weak area for me :)
much love n hugs....
raj (sublime_ocean)
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 08:31
Dearest Raj
Big smile thanks for that I appreciate it I am very happy you liked it, In this case the punctuation suggestion that Rula gave will change my intended meaning so I wont be using it but I will be taking a look at the poem as a whole in a few days, its still not totally finished the punctuation is probably the last thing I have left to work on with this one
thanks for the read and your thoughts I really do appreciate it
much love and hugs JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
alidzain
Tue, 2014-02-25 11:58
yep, you did it again.
seriously, if you can charm Rula, Raj and Jess, what more can be said about me, Jayne... I'm just a novice compared to them..and you say you are "nothing special"? (rolling my eyes heavenward and shaking my head)
love and hugs
Alid
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 08:33
Alid :)
I couldn't charm the birds from the trees I am charmless, Your going to give me a big head if you keep complimenting me then Jess will have to burst my bubble and bring me back to earth LOL
Very Happy you liked it my friend thank you for the support :)
love and hugs JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-02-26 09:43
Dear Jayne Chloe, please desist from the self deprecation.
If other people said to you what you say to yourself you would be quite right to smack them in the head.
You know you are a talented poet and self-deprecation at best undermines yourself, at worst can be seen as fishing for compliments..
Cease and desist at once or I will personally deliver the smack in the head.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 09:54
Jess
I have to beg to differ on this one, I have my way with words, yes, it is nothing special...in my eyes, I truly believe that, I read so many other talented poets and hope one day I can write something truly epically great. There is so much I don't know and I am trying to remedy that.
JC x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
weirdelf
Wed, 2014-02-26 09:56
For all my faults you know I never, ever lie about poetry.
You are a highly talented poet. Accept it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 10:01
Jess
I know you don't lie, but I don't know what to say...maybe just thank you and shut up.
Jayne x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
alidzain
Wed, 2014-02-26 09:45
jayne
but i don't think our other friends could charm the birds from the trees too. LOL. i know for a fact that they are not charmless and neither are any of us..its just that for some reason i'm more inclined to your style....
Alid
Seren
Wed, 2014-02-26 09:55
LOL Alid
I am glad you like my poetry it makes me happy to know you find enjoyment in my words :)
JC x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Ian.T
Wed, 2014-02-26 11:33
Jayne
Jess has said it all, and I will be second in line to smack you one, but maybe you are getting to like the little slaps too much, Lol, Take care look forward to your next piece, Yours Ian. Txx
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Seren
Thu, 2014-02-27 08:25
Ian
Smile I copped a lot as a kid so I can take a smack up the head lol I cant say that I like it though, just about to post my next poem, got a pile to work on and get posted
hope your enjoying your stay I have to say I am missing your presence
take care much love always Jayne xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-02-27 09:20
Smacking
Not saying any more on that, though it would make a good fun poem will see what happens LOL, Take care talk soon,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Seren
Thu, 2014-02-27 09:35
sigh
Nope can't sleep yet, I expect the poem on your return hehe
Love always Jayne xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats