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Silent Enemy

Submitted by redbaronj on Sat, 2014-02-15 16:15

Silent Enemy

They’re getting closer now…
I can feel their eyes
searching for me.

The sound of sticks snapping
beneath their feet.

The sweat on my brow
breaks free in a bead…
stinging my eyes.
Oh God…please help me!

They break through the brush…
my silent enemies.
Knowing they too are hunted
and pray respectively.

Then all at once
with a loud surprise
they fall to the earth
with moans and cries.

Silence again…
with no sweat on my brow.

By: Sharon Jones

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

wesley snow

Sat, 2014-02-15 17:56

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I hope you come to learn and teach

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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doomhead

Sat, 2014-02-15 18:29

doomhead's picture

I enjoyed the immediacy of the first line and how it plonks you somewhat in the midst of the action. I'm not sure however you've given us enough information about this 'silent enemy' for that phrase to be anything more than rather confusing and aloof. This poem feels like it needs fleshing out to me, as there is little substance and a storyline that is hard to follow. Also, just a easily fixable spelling mistake, "Knowing they too are hunted" - you missed the second 'o' in too.

Keep at it though! : )
Liam

Ian.T

Sat, 2014-02-15 19:18

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Firstly Welcome to Neopoet and I hope your walk with us will be a pleasure of learning.
Your first piece here is very good just needs a clarification as to who is stalking you, unless it is the curse of your own self fears.
One place you used Pray did you mean Prey.
Take care see more of your writes soon, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Rula

Sun, 2014-02-16 02:14

Rula's picture
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and a warm welcome to the Neo.
I am happy to have you as a new member at Neo. I am sure you'll have an enjoyable time.
Back to your first post, I would list your piece under dark poetry which, might not be my cup of tea, yet still many's favorite.
One thing I need to question about the title "Silent Enemy" then you've immediately started with "They"
I think you need either to say "Silent Enemies" or Keep it as is but later refere to it as "it/he/ she" unless there is something I am missing here.
I am looking forward to reading your next posts.
Welcome again.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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raj

Sun, 2014-02-16 14:16

Much has already been commented upon by Ian, Doomhead and Rula. I too welcome you to this community and look forward to read more of your posts.

Regards.

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Mon, 2014-02-17 04:07

alidzain's picture

Welcome to Neopoet, Sharon. I love the suspense in this one but I have to agree that there is a need to tell more about the silent enemy as it's in the title and the theme of the poem. Other than that, I'll say this is a good dark poem. Hope to read more of your works..

Alid

redbaronj

Mon, 2014-02-17 13:00

redbaronj's picture

Thanks for reading! I intentionally left it vague. I originally wrote it as a soldier on the battlefield but other people have seen it to be an inner battle. I thought it was pretty straight forward until then. I would rather let people use their imagination to interpret it's meaning. It seems to mean something different to different people. That makes it fun!

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