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Way

Submitted by Race_9togo on Sat, 2010-10-30 14:03

At my journey's end,
When dark and warping cold
At last could wend
Their strangling hold
Around the vacuum space
Where my poor heart
Would always race
To speeding start
Of empty faith's embrace,
I found instead
A new and different place
That inexorably led
Into belief bereft of wrath
And without sin,
Leading to another path
I could begin to tread again.

Yet before I could commence
To walk this different track
I found Old Pretense
Still holding me back;
I could not set my eager feet
Upon this new and winding course
Where mind and soul could meet
And become a driving force,
So I took all of the wisdom
Gleaned from learning scripture
And in a final schism
Burned each page upon a fire
Not knowing until the books had gone
That in this burning pyre
I would find new dawn
Of enlightenment, and gods' desire.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Damn, it's good to be back. Changed the title, as per Judyanne's suggestion.

Comments

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-01 00:59

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LOL yeah, would be but that finding it was easier, huh.
Glad you enjoyed my effort, Glaswegian Lady.

Respectfully

Jim

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-01 01:07

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Like you need to ask if it's all right to make a suggestion, lol!

I thought that it would change the meaning, but in the context of the entire poem, it made more sense when I personified "old pretense", so I made the change; tell me if and why you like it better, if you would, please.

Thanks again Chrys,

Jim

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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lou

Sat, 2010-10-30 22:51

lou's picture

I like the use of language, can't think of anything that I would change. Good job.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-01 01:08

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Hey, thanks very much, Lou. It isn't often that anyone tells me nothing needs changing.

Jim

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-01 01:17

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Greetings Sweet Oz Lady, happy I am to discuss with and learn from you again.
Any time you want to do the edited poem, just let me know. I would like to post the original with the new version, though; I think that it would be good to see that work before, and after.

You know, I actually had

"I found the old pretense
held me back"

in the original version, and I changed it before I posted, but I didn't like the 2nd version either, so when Chrys made her suggestion I thought "THAT"S IT!".

OMG at the Sydney Opera House??? now THAT's going to be an awesome experience - I expect seriously heavy poems about it, Jayne!
Heehee.

Gods, but it's good to talk to you again.

<<large cyber hug>>

Jim

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2010-11-01 01:31

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i really really like this.
can't see anything to crit
i have been coming back and back to it as i really wanted to say something constructive about it as i think it is so good.
can't think of a thing except - kudos to it.

just one thing - i think the title could be stronger
i prefer 'way' - just me though

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Race_9togo

Mon, 2010-11-01 01:46

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Thank you so much for you kind comment.
You know, what, I'm gonna change it to "Way", lol...let's see how many prefer it. It does sound better to me, somehow more appropriate.

Jim

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Victorclaude

Wed, 2010-11-03 09:39

Victorclaude's picture

Well, Jim --

We do lose ourselves and find ourselves again, which always makes me think that there was never a state of "lost" at all, just a detour. Those who have written 'scripture' perhaps should have kept their ideas to themselves, or the ones who read them should have known they were just an opinion, and not some bolt from the blue -- all encompassing and true. Many a lad and lass have been swayed by the words of others, when all the time they should have listened to their own heart's song. That's what I got from this nicely penned piece.

Bravo!

Victor

"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."

Unknown (at least to me)

Race_9togo

Wed, 2010-11-03 19:51

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you know, I'm not against scripture in any form. My library contains the holy books and scriptures of every major religion on the planet, many odd and strange ones too, and I read them constantly - I'm reading the Koran again, at the moment.
I agree with you that much of scripture is subjective opinion - that simply cannot be avoided, given that scripture is written by us - but it can and often does contain truth, you just have to sift the tailings to find the gems, if you know what I mean.
But I utterly reject any dogma that tells me what scripture I should and should not read. The gods and goddesses are in the details of every holy book, and to say this scripture or that one is wrong or evil is just plain silly, lol, although in each one we find many things that are obviously not inspired by diety, but rather by smug superiority, paternalism, mysogeny, fear and downright hatred.
But that's what the gods gave us brains for, to choose the right path through the proverbial minefield.

heehee.

But you are right: Violate your own damn dogmas, not your neighbours!

You see? Turth contained within opinion.

;)

Thanks again: I love these kinds of posts!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Nordic cloud

Wed, 2010-11-03 14:51

Nordic cloud's picture

This I walked along rhythmically entwined, entranced and went up in smoke with you at the end. Yes I liked this poem Jim.

Victor we can learn from all scriptures they are not so stupid, their words are often fine art, fine poetry and wise thoughts whatever creed they represent.

"I found Old Pretense
Still holding me back;"...............why did I like what my mind did to me and said

:-still held me back?

And "So I took all of the wisdom...............So I took all the wisdom!
Gleaned from learning scripture"

Love Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Race_9togo

Wed, 2010-11-03 20:01

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Your enjoyment is my own, and I thank you for it.
LOL it never ceases to amaze me, how one person's opinion about a line can and does differ from another's. It's so easy to be detached and see and agree with what someone said about a line...until another person comes along and says they liked the original line better! LOL.

Thank you Ann.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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