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The Dreamscape

Submitted by Pryderi Duntz. on Wed, 2022-11-30 13:52

I have always found that
I have to reach out
To touch the dawn.
Every dreamtime moment
Is fraught with draughty memories and intermixed emotions.
Therefore I have no restful time.

I am mingling among them.
By them I mean the monstrous,
The unforgettable moments.
The angst scattered windfall times, which seek me out.
The door knocking, bell ringing,
dust banging, fist clenching
Run of the mill scenes of dread.

Echo dreams of the unfulfilled.
Re-runs of regrets, with which I
Forfeit any clearness of mind.
I know that I have been sinking for all of these years.
Sinking myself into my self made cells, seeking out any essence of life even in a dried out well of tears. A searcher, who has never recovered the lost soul of the once innocent self.

The curtain raiser is always inwardly worded self blame. And each night is usually the same. Self conflicted dreamscapes are repeated nightly, sometimes twice nightly. It is a frightened performance.
The Nightmare on My Street.
That which sequels itself undercover of night.
Always having to cling on until dawn. Then it is the repeated reaching out to touch the dawn.

Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2022-11-30 14:45

Geezer's picture
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you are going to like it here. I think that you will find that there are a whole bunch of people that are like family.

I think this is a very good recitation of real emotions.
My only criticism of this piece is some of the lines are
a bit too long, and you should break them up into two sentences.
Those lines, distract one from the rest of the work,
by the reader asking what is this?

If you fear that the verses are too long, break them
into more equal parts. We like this. Welcome, ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Pryderi Duntz.

Thu, 2022-12-01 13:34

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Hello there and thank you for looking at this piece. I also and grateful for the feedback. I am a victim of software. The piece is constructed in “Mobile mode” so looks OK on my screen. I always have a voice read through ad an aid to reviewing. Again it seemed good. However out of mobile view it is obvious the lines are extended.

This aside I can fix formatting.

Thanks for the welcome and giving me your time. Pryderi Duntz

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2022-12-01 14:13

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your work on a phone? I am impressed if you are. [Less impressed if it is a tablet or some other method]. I have a computer and I don't think I would ever have the confidence to try [what I would call], lesser technology. I use a Dell rebuilt and Windows
and the Notepad is great! Anyway... Yeah, it's worth it to give your work a little formatting fix. Glad to be of help. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Rosewood Apothecary

Wed, 2022-11-30 20:56

Rosewood Apothecary's picture
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I’m on the fence about what Geezer said those lines I each stanza look cumbersome. I didn’t feel any speed bumps on the read through though. Maybe I read them as separate lines. I’d say it’s more a formatting preference, in which case I’d agree with my friend.

I love this poem. You are a fantastic writer. Nice grasp on the punctuation, definitely nice job tapping the brakes on when needed.

Welcome to the site. I’m definitely looking forward to reading more.

Pryderi Duntz.

Thu, 2022-12-01 13:38

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Hello and thank you for your input on my piece. I have clearly formatting issues to consider. These are fixable. As a first draft and raw I appreciate the time you have given over to reviewing Dreamscape. Pryderi.

author comment

Jackweb

Thu, 2022-12-01 04:58

Jackweb's picture

I affirm yes to Geezer's comments on the piece! The three last stanzas distracted the rhythm of the piece! If I was the writer of this piece, i would have maintained the initial meter to make the poem a fine look.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Pryderi Duntz.

Thu, 2022-12-01 13:46

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Thanks so much for you time to read and add your feedback to this piece.

I have fixable formatting issues for sure.

First draft.

Pryderi..

author comment

Pryderi Duntz.

Thu, 2022-12-01 13:46

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Thanks so much for you time to read and add your feedback to this piece.

I have fixable formatting issues for sure.

First draft.

Pryderi..

author comment

Lavender

Thu, 2022-12-01 09:06

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Greetings, Pryderi,
You've captured the haunting feelings of darkness and dread, whether in dreams or while awake:

Echo dreams of the unfulfilled.
Re-runs of regrets, with which I
Forfeit any clearness of mind.

Vivid expressions within poignant poetry.
Thank you, and welcome!
Lavender

Pryderi Duntz.

Thu, 2022-12-01 13:52

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Hey Lavender, So a quote-back in your review. That’s got to be a positive. Thank you for giving me your time and thought on the piece. Yes you have a connection there. So that is fulfilling to know. I am not from Stratford I know but your encouraging words are welcome and I appreciate your response.

Pryderi Duntz
a Mere Mortal Mabinog.

author comment

Pryderi Duntz.

Thu, 2022-12-01 13:52

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Hey Lavender, So a quote-back in your review. That’s got to be a positive. Thank you for giving me your time and thought on the piece. Yes you have a connection there. So that is fulfilling to know. I am not from Stratford I know but your encouraging words are welcome and I appreciate your response.

Pryderi Duntz
a Mere Mortal Mabinog.

author comment

Ray Whitaker

Fri, 2022-12-02 10:50

Ray Whitaker's picture

I like your piece. well written, and with such great images.

you FB page has some very good poetry as well!

Looking for ward to interacting with you here more.

Ray

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Pryderi Duntz.

Fri, 2022-12-02 14:16

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Ray, Hi and thanks so much for the feedback. My FB page is a separate project thanks. Having found Neopoets, I will be submitting my “hot off the Neurone Press” raw material for any feedback. Thank you again. Pryderi Duntz.

author comment

Pryderi Duntz.

Fri, 2022-12-02 14:16

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Ray, Hi and thanks so much for the feedback. My FB page is a separate project thanks. Having found Neopoets, I will be submitting my “hot off the Neurone Press” raw material for any feedback. Thank you again. Pryderi Duntz.

author comment

Pryderi Duntz.

Fri, 2022-12-02 14:19

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

typo double hit

author comment

Ray Whitaker

Sat, 2022-12-03 12:08

Ray Whitaker's picture

A clever way of describing your creative process, Sir.

I had to look up “neurones”. I had the distinction of “neurons”, not neurones. I imagined that this an eye-talian eneunciation of neuron…. Something like “I’ll have a calzone with as side order of neruones and marinara sauce….

However the empirical definition was so far from that…. LOL

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Pryderi Duntz.

Mon, 2022-12-05 08:46

Pryderi Duntz.'s picture

Thankfully I have access to a Cambridge dictionary, Also The BBC
https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/guides/zywjk2p/revision/3

Analysis is a question of scale I suppose.

Although I can also be inclined towards being more of a two up, one down kind of a thinker when it’s appropriate.

Of course there’s always the possibility of the failure mode being a simple ‘typo.’

Thanks for the time you have given to this.

author comment
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