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Bound By Vows

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Sat, 2014-11-29 04:24

Your hated of me hurts
Burns the cavity above my heart
Why the disgust
Why the contempt
I did my best to be the best
For you and the kids
It never was enough
To gain your love.

Losing a first love
In a car crash with a train
Has to be devastating
But there's nothing
I can do to change the pain
Lingering in your heart.

There's no way I can compete
With the love of your youth
A love that never united in matrimony
I can only give what I have in me
That which you find worthless.

The sick feeling in my stomach
Has me resting on my pillow
Discouraged by your disparaging words
Every nail that you drive in my heart
Drives me farther and farther away from you. —

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Sat, 2014-11-29 09:51

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One thing makes me worried while reading this, it is the fact that it reads so biographical with true bitter emotions.
Otherwise, it could be the story of any of many women around the world.
Nothing to suggest, but lots of appreciation.
Thanks for sharing dear.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Barbara Writes

Sat, 2014-11-29 12:52

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I'm glad it works so well thanks for the critique

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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judyanne

Sat, 2014-11-29 10:29

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and i see a huge improvement here in your delivery Barbara. Not only with your great word usage and grammar, but i was also carried along in the emotion - something that i always found missing in your works that i read before i went awol 18 months ago....

I have absolutely nothing to offer that would be anything but a change for the sake of change - not needed

great write
love judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2014-11-29 13:04

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Glad to see you here. Yes I agree my work wasn't as effective as I wanted it in the past. The WS has helped me a lot. Specifically Jess limerick and Wesley storytelling WS. I'm just now feeling better with my writing. They also help understand where my grammar errors were and I'm glad you noticed it and share it in you critique.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

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