A siren rings in minds and aloud
all jump to post or clothes or wakefulness.
Invasion, error, drill or
something.
Whatever.
He hits the floor before he is fully awake and is pulling on clothes and checking gear
as instructions come through.
Anomaly b24
Oh shit,
she is on that watch.
He runs up the grass hill to the concrete block that is b24.
Through the window he sees her and her watch-mate struggling in a purple haze.
Oh fuck.
All thought flees.
The source!
He turns and runs down to it,
flings open the door,
pulls out his weapon,
fumbles with the settings,
stun or kill? 1-5?
He fires.
black
and something else
voices emerging
laughter,
relieved laughter
he’s coming back
shame is a drug,
he has no room for anything else.
He almost killed her.
The setting was too high,
all 3 got fried,
and almost blasted somewhere completely unknown.
If he had thought it through and known enough
and known what was happening
he could have not crippled
and nearly killed them, her.
But she is there, still, and that is enough.
Friendly Fire?
This piece has substance. My congrats.
Bold.
I think it can be improved with more work. For instance, perhaps blocking into stanzas or, for instance, subtracting some words while inserting some zinger repetitions here and there to make certain images knife even deeper into readers’ brains.
I say the above while noting, in my mind, that every one of my poems (as well as everyone else’s) can be improved.
I also say the above while noting that I do not consider myself well qualified to comment on free verse of this sort.
So I leave you with the casual impressions of a nonprofessional in this regard.
I very much like and respect your use of action verbs.
Regards,
Chuck
thanks Chuck
no need for the disqualifiers, you may be new to poetry but you are obviously no newcomer to intelligence and discernment. I appreiate your comments and, for a major change, intend to seriously re-write this piece.
cheers,
Jess
A siren rings
This poem I believe will have a great impact on
poeple .Itis as goes without saying a poem of now
Sparse and powerful
The reactions we have in emergency situations, particularly ones that involve our own emotions, are often tragically muddled and end in error. That is conveyed here with a chilling directness. Your use of line breaks and punctuation is commendable and reflect hard work, the polishing of the gem. Powerful poem.
thanks quill
interesting that my own… confictions on this work are reflected by very diverse reviews (some for kindness posted privately, but I don’t ask that sort of kindness). One noted that b24 was a WW2 fighter plane, I never considered that. It was supposed to be a sci-fi setting!
cheers,
Jess
Speculative Poetry
That’s what they call this now. My own particular niche. Funny that someone should focus on the B24. The sci-fi angle is what I saw.
Best,
Ronda