Muttering_madwoman
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Other article tools Beyond the times that could have been,
Beyond the times I’ve known,
Lives a tiny, helpless child,
A girl who’s not yet grown.
She searches for love and kindness,
The caring of the world;
Strong arms to hold her safe and warm,
A lap on which to curl.
Wave after wave of suffering
Pull me far away,
From the sun filled island shore
Where the child runs and plays.
I call out to her in hasty warning,
For danger lurks nearby;
The clashing and crashing of the sea
Drown out my panicked cry.
The sea then pulls me into its heart,
Swallowing me deep:
Harsh water fills my gasping lungs;
The ocean plays to keep.
My final sight upon that beach
Is of the child’s smile;
She waves to me and says, “Farewell,
For I’ll meet you at this isle.”
I wonder at her simple words,
Not easy to understand,
Then I realize: I am the girl
Who plays upon the sands.
Lost childhood
Barbara Writes
problems of this world makes us
look back at the days when we were a child
when we were free unaware of the dangers around us
Well then...
Welcome to Neopoet… muttering madwoman… I love it.
Your poem is very good..speaks volumes about us as human beings not wanting to let the child in us go…I knew you were a poet before it was said….
Richard
thanks for the welcome, Richard
thanks for the warm welcome–haven’t been out here in quite some time. Very glad you enjoyed the poem.
stanzas 4,5,6,7, hold
stanzas 4,5,6,7, hold onto
1,2,3,
are somewhat weak the concept of lost child hood is a good one
your lead in should be a bit stronger
it is always good never to forget that child and let them live inside it’s what keeps us young
I would like to come back to this when you have reworked it should you choose to
Chrys
thanks, Chrys
I won’t be reworking this poem, but the feedback is greatly appreciated. It’s an old one, already published a few times as is. I am generally more concerned with expressing exactly the feel and statement i want to make than I am with staying within the rules of ‘poetry’. never have been good with rules anyhow. the lead in is broad by intention, as i want the reader to see a big picture of life as a series of desires, dreams, hopes, and then reality.
but please, keep the input up, again, it is always appreciated.
Niki
Hello there! Couple of
Hello there! Couple of things regarding the form of the poem, I think you need to take a look at you metre, it moves from couplets of 4 and 3 to 3 1/2 to 2s and so on. If you writing as “western classic” the metre needs to be consistent throughout.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
western classic
didn’t realize i had categorized this poem as western classic… didn’t realize i had categorized it at all, in fact. thanks for the feedback, Kieran
Niki
Hi...
Ya know.. on my second read I get , the confusing search for life’s securities,
and keeping the child in us until the very end which is the ultimate blanket..
as we all want to be the happy child playing in the sand.
Very nice…
Richard
thanks again
feedback is always great. this poem was first published years ago. I have some water issues (heh), so you’ll see i use water references in my writing quite a bit, to display emotions, feeling out of my depth, being in a situation beyond control, and your basics of hopelessness, fear, sadness, etc. this one i wrote after nearly drowning, but also strongly based on my own issues with trust and intimacy (like not being great with either). obviously, not from a normal life or family (whatever those are), and been on my own since long before the end of childhood–regardless of who may be at my side or in my life at the time. i’ve yet to find any securities in life that aren’t a mirage, in reality, so yeah, you hit the nail on the head here.
Niki