Neopoet.com

Barbara Writes

should plaines be plains, last stanza seems a little off,

maybe it just me thinking needs little better flow in last line only.

otherwise it is perfect as is

How come when you dream, you come up with a steamy romance and galloping wildly over the plains, and when I dream, I get space cats from the planet Catulon, teaching dolphins to read and talk? Is it something you eat or drink before you go to sleep? I tell you it just isn’t fair! Lovely, dreamy poem, my dear!

Always, Cat

it has to do with whomever is on my mind dear girl
steamy you say
thanks cat

There’s something virginal or innocent about this poem I cannot quite put my finger on. I suppose that is always the way with a dream, there is always something you cannot quite put your finger on, right? Nevertheless, it is there, strong, like beating hooves. Quite enjoyed.

I find the middle stanza–the four lines–to be the the one that holds it all together, framed by the outside verses. Curious that it was three lines leading in, only two each coming out (‘cause lets face it, the three-line ending was just for visual’s sake, it’s two lines). I wonder if you chose that, or if it chose you?

Anyway, no suggestions, keep this dream as is, and return to it whenever you need.

Lady godiva meets the boogie man; I did not get a upliftiing feeling, more of a yearning to feel that free.

If it were me I would like to see the last stanza stay even with rhyme scheme; maybe “…all senses mired”

Frost

Has a wild feel to it; longing for freedom and vast opportunities.

I like Frost’s suggestion. Have sounded it out aloud several times here and it fits well. It offers a different conclusion to the poem, though. Makes it a sense of awakening confused by the contrast of fantasy from the dream and the face of reality.

That’s just what I see, though.

Love the feel of this one, Chrys.

~ Ronda

That is why I am waiting to find out why mired before i change it as it was a real dream
thank you for your comments yep it was kind of disappointing to wake to reality at that so I am not discounting Frost’s suggestion at all
Chrys

What I meant mire; stuck, to wake up with the feelings being as real as though it actully happened; also to keep the rhyme going.

Frost

very cool; deffinately adds to the poem

Frost

Barbara Writes

A dream of senses mired
I awoke to the flames of fire

just a suggestion that works for me,

if not it still a really good poem

You are like a gymnist on paper..quite flexible. I like it as it reads..oooh what a dream huh. Some great comments here.
Richard

Thank you wow now there is a first on describing my work
there were many excellent suggestions and I used them most were of he last stanza they helped smooth th rough edges
Chrys

also I stopped at “an embrace” I wanted more there. him, her, a name - whatever :)

I found the rhythm to jump around alot making it rather difficult to read.

I would probaly give a 3 at this point but duh - the rating system is out to lunch !

Mark

This is fine writing, poetry in motion,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Touched the softness of your skin
The earth was quaking from within,… (Loved This)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One small concern,
sorry i know there have been lots of comments,
But the last line, being past tense, should it read……..

I awoke to the heat of passions fired,

Peter.

thank you for reading this piece
I awoke to the heat of passions fires
wow you have me thinking on this one that would make all the sense in the worrld
but I believe either would be appropriate
let me give this one thought
I’m glad I posted this one it is one of my favorites and it needed tru commenting
thank you
Chrys

Wow this one got lots of people thinking and suggesting Chrys. In its present form I would say it is almost perfect the way it is although I agree with Peter the last line would scan better as “fired” rather than “fire”. But you know me even when i finish last in the race i still have something to say and it is about the line:

“So we traversed o’er the rain soaked ground”

I have to admit to not liking the use of old style English abbrevations such as o’er since they call up images of heroic poems…and this is not one of those. They sound a bit forced as well. Also, “traversed” is a little technical (like getting out your compass and looking up the grid reference on an ordinance survey map before setting out on a trek. lol). So perhaps in keeping with the horse imagery why not:

“So we galloped over rain-soaked ground” (if you want to keep the same number of syllables, but it would still flow OK with the “the” put back I think).

Feel free to kick my suggestions into touch if you wish…but remember im the one riding the donkey! Better not let Cat into the real secret of how to have wild horse passionate dreams though Chrys….. otherwise who knows what the poetic consequences would be! Keith

sorry professor the old English stands in keeping with whom it was written about
common now a donkey not so M’THINKS ( ha) you can have a horse if you want see how easy I am to get along with
but I am still tossing the fires or fired around( can get burned doing that) I should think it a matter of preference no

I awoke to the heat of passion’s fires
the heat comes from passions fire not the dream itself
I don’t know your the professor I’m just so confused lol

it is good to see so much thought being generated by this one poem that is what this site is all about , be it mine or someone else’s
Chrys

weather you relieze it or not this thread is what this site is all about; quite possibly the best one I have seen yet; taking suggestions that make it better; yet keeping the integrity of the poem you wrote and had in mind, I commend you for the way you have dealt with it; give yourself some credit just for that, alot of pepople can’t even do this.

Respectfuly
Frost

Thank you and yes this is what it is all about isn’t it
It is wonderful the reaction I have had with this piece
I try in my comments to others to get this results as w3ll. I have been writing all my life and working with others I love what I do. and I guess it shows a bit
To have someone commend me for what I feel is a given is quite an honor and I appreciate you seeing it this way
thank you again
Chrys

As stated way back when, I quite enjoy this poem; but equally, I have enjoyed following the thread of conversation, suggestion, rewrite, argument, etc. that has been generated because of it. Threads like this make me really pleased that I have joined this group as it is about making the work (and poet) better, not just shining their stars and feeding them grapes.

I think this thread would be a great one for someone new to the site to read to get an understanding about what this community is all about. Never is there offense intended in criticism, and never is any taken in criticism received. Just workshopping, amongst peers, lovers of poetry, writers of feelings and experiences. Well done!

Barbara Writes

you just keep making it better especially the ending.
all the kind crit is making this a masterpiece.
Well said Alobar “Threads like this make me really pleased that I have joined this group as it is about making the work (and poet) better, not just shining their stars and feeding them grapes. Just workshopping, amongst peers, lovers of poetry, writers of feelings and experiences. Well done!” learning to express my self with many words yet to be mastered.

I want to thank each of you for all of your thoughts and comments and for helping improve what I had
Chrys

Damn, what meds do you take? I want some to give to my wife! *LOL*
Rett
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Some call me lazy, I prefer Energy Conservationist~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That’s P.C. speak by the way.