Grow as a poet. Get honest feedback on your work. — Register Free
Submitted by whitetea on 27 March 2008 - 3:01am.| Updated 12 May 2008 - 4:04am.
Style / Type:
freeform
the last I saw of you
there were long tubes
up your nose,
Your color gave way to pale.
they say you didn’t struggle.
we got the call
around 8.
I stopped outside
everything done but the telling,
looking at the bells,
the closed curtains.
the other half of your life
in the paper.
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
I didnt know where to go with this... Even after revising, it still doesnt fit. A wonderful friend of my family passed on. I want to use the word rosy when I think of her.
(1 vote)
Hi there, jsut wanted to
Hi there, jsut wanted to bring a couple of small things up. Firstly well done on getting it on paper, if I had been writing when my gran passed away I don’t think I’d have the strength, kudos.
In any case if you want to refine it and make it better, not saying you have to or anything, you could change a couple of things:
number one I thought the repetition of “unkept yard” didn’t really work, I think it works better in the second instance than the first.
Secondly I found the start of the last stanza to be very jarring, it seems out of place with the rest of the sentiments, although hard nosed humour is often the best medecine.
Hope that’s ok, again, much strength, well done.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
you know I didn’t even
you know I didn’t even notice that, thanks for pointing that out.
Sorry for your lost
Smiles:)
Barbara
Really good, feeling well expressed here.
That phone call
we got the call
around 8.
I stopped outside
everything done but the telling,
When it comes, and one significant one for me came around the same time of day, stops everything for a while and your poem deals with that moment perfectly.
Pleides
Hi Whitetea...
I read this poem before you revised it..the last stanza is
gone.. I liked the feeling you wanted to say in it but I don’t
think you had nailed it..
everythings coming up roses.. I can see you now
reaching for your roses
commenting on the bad hospitality
and always the lady
I don’t expect you’ll use this but maybe it gives you an
idea on how to put roses in the poem..
I like your writing..
Richard
kind of like michael jackson....
It wanders and does all sorts of things when I revise. I am trying to be careful to not do what I have done in that past and give it such a nasty face lift were it becomes something different altogether.
I used to revise …heavily… and it usually was a good thing when I waited. I went a year or so without writing, so I had to fight it out of me to find anything of quality. Its part of what led me to this site, something to help me get back my fluency.
I may let this sit for a while until I can find a direction for it.