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Submitted by rider68 on 26 March 2008 - 4:01pm.| Updated 28 May 2008 - 2:50pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
A mother lies as her child weeps,
Tears of despair stain the cotton sheets,
Mattress sodden - trapped, the child stares out,
Watching - kids play in the street,
Comfort found by the blanket - that’s wrapped around his feet,
Teddy stained by the nights - wet dream,
Love has gone - and emptiness looms,
Feelings lost and all confused,
His cries un-heard,
Except for the dog that barks and replies,
With a lick to his cheek and a glint in his eyes,
Talking gibberish the child stares back,
The dog nods - agrees - and walks on by,
Sad but true I hear you cry,
The fact of life,
From a Child’s eye,
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
(8 votes)
Welcome to the site. Wow
Welcome to the site. Wow this is a powerful poem. It took me there. The imagery is excellent and the flow worked for me. Is this based on a true story? I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Hi Kaz
Firstly thanks for taking the trouble to comment,
Being new not quite sure what to expect,
In reply to your question (Based on truth) the loose frame of the storey is something that has and continues to happen and yes I have partly drawn from known experiences but somewhat fantasized.
Very Best Regards
Peter
rider68...
I must completely agree with Kaz here, the warmest of welcomes; anxious to see what else you post. If you have questions or need any help let us know.
Such despair at a young age is heartbreaking; but this shows you are a poet, and I would venture to guess a good one, being able to empathize at such levels is a skill, not everyone has it, nor can everyone handle it.
Frost
Hi Frost thanks for such a warm welcome,
Hi Frost
Thanks for such a warm welcome, My Buzz it to place myself in a situation and explore the realities of life, It’s a great release from a heavy daily work load, Hoping to link up with like minded people and develop a good rapport,
Hope to speak again
Very Best Regards
Peter.
Peter
I join with Kaz and Frost to welcome you to the site
there is one line in your poem that tore the heart out of me
The dog nods agrees and walks on by
the entire poem is outstanding but that one line is full of imagery , sorrow and packed with emotion
I am looking forward to reading more of your work
Chrys
Hi Chrys
Isn’t it great when one line can capture the moment and revile so much,
I hope that I can continue to stir and excite your sharp imagination
I try to find slight humour just to stop from being completely depressing-
which isn’t healthy for the mind,
It’s very encouraging to know that you enjoyed the script,
Thank you
Very Kind Regards
Peter
Powerful stuff
and well written. I can’t give you critical feedback, sorry, too carried away by emotion
cheers,
Jess
p.s. one thing, I think the last line is superfluous.
Hi Jess
I am some-what overwhelmed by such constructive response & yes
Having re-read with an objective view,
You’re quite right about the last line, except that I saw closure?
But I am happy to bow to knowledge and experience,
Very Best Regards
Peter
Hello Peter, I’d like to
Hello Peter, I’d like to add my voice to those welcoming you to the site.
Having been there myself, I can say that your poem is a real heartbreaker. I am sorry to read that your poem comes from partial experience in this area. You are not alone. Keep writing.
Cat
Hi Cat
Thank you for the welcome
Cat
I draw from the fact that I have had 50yrs of life,
And in this time have like most, experienced a wide and varied life style,
With moments of great highs and lows, and have shared times,
With many people, from all walks of life,
Generally I script from this type of experience, so not too personal “But” enough
To feel, I hope, the moment…..well it works for me, I believe in form, a beginning and a conclusion,
To me poetry is the capturing of the moment, whether factual or fantasy
The next poem I’m about to post, is personal,
A great woman that showed me kindness at an adolescent age and since her loss I had struggled To find closure,
So I hope that I will do her Justice,
I would be grateful of your thoughts
Take care
Regards
Peter
Welcome a fellow Brit
Hi Peter there is not much I can add to those before me. You have a poet’s soul and the gift of rhythm which when combined can tear the heart out of a reader. For me this poem is an appetiser and i look forward to seeing where the next course takes us. As my name suggests i am often the one who points out the minor boring errors even though they have absolutely no influence on my appreciation of the quality of a poem. But this site is about helping at all levels so FYI. It should just be “stares” on the two occasions you use it, “by” not “bye” and “child’s” not “childs”. Hope you enjoy it here. Keith
Hi Keith
I really do hope that I can develop, as this is a side of me, which has only shown its face periodically off and on over the years, But one things for sure its
Barely been 24hrs and I have exchanged words with several fine people, showing
Genuine interest, what more could one ask,
I can see that I will have to keep on my toes, as grammar was never my strong point, “But” “Hey” never too old to learn,
Being new please feel free to offer advice,
Meanwhile I will endeavour to complete my profile and include a photo by the weekend.
Very Best Regards
From a Fellow Brit
Peter
hi to another newbie and WOW!
Wonderful writing and symbolism. Can see the lonliness and longing. The hunger.
Loved it.
Rett
Thanks Rett
This was one of the first that i had posted, It’s great when
one is able to convey a solid subject with a few subjective words
Glad you enjoyed the read.
Thanks for your thoughts and comments
Best Regards
Peter
~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
From A Child's Eyes
Such in depth writing you certainly took me there, and that means accomplishing what a good poet needs to do thanks for sharing!
Hi Janice
Thanks for such fine thoughts and a great comment,
At the time of writing i drew from distant memories,
somewhere from deep down past…..So long ago.
Kindest Regards
Peter
~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~