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Submitted by Candlewitch on 23 March 2008 - 4:52pm.| Updated 24 March 2008 - 1:42pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
senryu: lost highway
by: c.m.m.
spider vein footpaths
natural age forged highway
going nowhere fast
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
(7 votes)
Thanks O.
Okay, I won’t change it!
Always, Cat
One of those little bits in
One of those little bits in time that you can think on, chew on and come up with so much. One reading for me was an aged body, varicose veins (naturally aged) upon the legs. Another showed me cracked dessert, baked in the sun to the point of breaking. A third just a map, more literal. And that was just imagery. When you apply the poem to what is going on inside, in the mind and soul and heart, there are many a highway indeed.
Thank you for this lovely poem.
Thank you Alobar
for applying your keen mind to my poem. You seem to see things from several angles, what a wonderful gift to have.
Always, Cat
Pithy
Very pithy and thought provoking as always Cat. As already suggested the second line is the weak one. The key word you should consider changing is “natural”. Perhaps you need some evocative that depicts ageing metal or tarmac. I can suggest some words of course but then you would not want to use them so I leave it to you. Keith
Cat
You have gotten to know me far to well lol
well done
Chrys
Just a little something we
Just a little something we all come to know, sooner or later, LOL!
Always, Cat
p.s.
see what a little champagne does to me? All of a sudden I think I can write!
Nice Senryu, Cat
A little champagne? “Think” you can write? LOL!
I’ve known you long enough to KNOW you can write, and this just proves it again.
~ Ronda
LOL, Ronda
I don’t often write haiku or Senryu, but I must admit senryu is the easier of the two for me to write.
Always, Cat
I Have A Question
What’s a senryu? Though I enjoyed the poem, isnt it a haiku?
Hi Asjay!
A senryu is similar to a haiku. A haiku is about nature while a senryu is about people or something personal. Thanks for reading!
Always Cat
Learn something new
Barbara Writes this type of writing is new to me. I will research for more understanding, so I can enjoy and comment on them more. I had no comment because i didn’t know this type of writing, senryu or haiku.
I looked up haiku in my Dictionary
This is what it had to say about Haiku:
hai·ku [h? k?] (plural hai·ku) noun
short Japanese poem: a form of Japanese poetry with 17 syllables in three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, often describing nature or a season.
Encarta® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1999,2000 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for Microsoft by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.
Senryu is structured the same but is personal or about people.
Thanks for writing,
Always, Cat
Thanks I look both up on my word doc dictionary
Barbara Writes and is absorbing it for later use.
You Are Very Welcome
I don’t know what I would do without mine, I use it everyday
:)
Always Cat
spider vein footpaths. This
spider vein footpaths. This is a wonderful expression and a very well written senryu. So much imagery in so few lines. It ‘took me there’. :-)
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
I have them! LOL!
Thanks for reading and enjoying my little poem!
Always, Cat
The first and 3rd lines were
The first and 3rd lines were awesome, I didn’t really feel line 2 as such. Not that it wasn’t great, it was, I just think it could be better. It feels a little too abstract.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
Thanks Kieran,
So far I can’t think of a better way to say it. If you get any ideas, let me know.
Always, Cat
hi way
lovely poem
dont change anything
gorgeous simplicity!
O