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Barbara Writes
United States
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Submitted by Barbara Writes on 23 March 2008 - 7:54am.| Updated 23 March 2008 - 8:35pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Behind Those Eyes
I see worldly terror
Breaking human barrier
As the pestilences defeat
The strong retreat
I see dark eyes
Holding back the cries
Over the ones laid below
Deep within earth fold
I see security crumble
As economics tumble
Uncontrolled excesses
Come to a recession
I see a global realm
Of unhappiness, overwhelmed
The masses of lovers
Searching for fondness
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
(2 votes)
May I
make a few minor suggestions
Deep within the EARTH”S folds ( possessive use of earth)
choice is yours in the end
true economics fumble would tumble be an even stronger word
The line bring untold success does not seem to fit within the rest of the stanza
Of unhappiness overwhelmed
your last line finishes weak
somewhere along the line you lost your meter
this has terrific ideas behind it just needs a little tweaking I’ll watch for a rewrite on this unless you choose to leave it as is
Chrys
Thanks Chrys
Barbara Writes thanks for your honesty. I have considered them. Noticed rewrite. Earth fold is positive, tears fall for our love one, but earth fold covers them in sleep of death from this world trouble while awaiting the ressurection. Eventhough we missed them wishing them here. None are suffering as so many do today. positive intentional. overwhelmed was my first thought but changed it. I feel latter is better. “Bring” don’t fit,untold sucesses seem to fit for me but I change to uncontrolled sucesses. what idea did you get?
I didn’t see the original
I didn’t see the original version but this is great. The only other tweak I would suggest - again it’s up to you - is uncontrolled excesses instead of successes? TO add more impact.
This is powerful writing - I love the way this has been crafted.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Thanks kaz
Barbara Writes excesses works perfect. was trying to find a word that meant having more success that necessary to live comfortably while others have very little and struggle because of it.
good
nice re write this works
thank you for considering changing it at all
Chrys