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Koketso Marishane
South Africa
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Submitted by Koketso Marishane on 18 March 2008 - 9:35am.
Style / Type:
Western Classic
My Apology Before I Take My Eternal Rest
To ‘thee’ that ‘pain’, ‘happiness’, ‘remorse’ nor ‘harmony’ I brought, judge me not, for I was nothing but myself all times.
To those I ‘hurt’, hate me not, for the truth took charge and brought light into many lives with perseverance; and
To those I ‘pleased’, love me not, for my heart in charge was;
To my fellows, follow me not, for I faults did commit and righteous do, so self my part did play with excellence, and
To ‘MY DOER’, welcome me, for I always tried…,
Amen!
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
Sad but true
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It's an interesting piece
And I believe you can make it flow better with some minor structure and word modifications. I’ve taken the liberty at a structure that makes the piece more readable to me. I would encourage you to review my suggestions and make your own modifications.
01 To ‘thee’ that ‘pain,’ ‘happiness,’ ‘remorse,’ nor ‘harmony’ I brought,
02 judge me not,
03 for I was nothing but myself all times.
04 To those I ‘hurt,’
05 hate me not,
06 for the truth took charge and brought light into many lives with perseverance, and
07 To those I ‘pleased,’
08 love me not,
09 for my heart in charge was.
10 To my fellows,
11 follow me not,
12 for I faults did commit and righteous do,
13 so self my part did play with excellence, and
14 To ‘MY DOER’, welcome me, for I always tried;
15 Amen!
In the first line I have a question about the word ‘nor.’ If you mean to use it as a negation, it’s appropriate. if you mean to use it to include ‘harmony,’ the word should be ‘or.’
In line 13 I have to admit i am not clear as to the meaning and would suggest reviewing the word structure and modifying it to make it more clear.
Lastly, I modified punctuation. As a general rule, commas, periods, etc. are placed next to a word. If the word is in quotes, the quotes encase the punctuation. Additionally, the “this, and that” is the equivalent of “this; that” so using “this; and that” is redundant.
Lastly, ellipses are used without a comma, if they absolutely must be used. The use of the “… ” should only be instituted when there is a fade of speech, a trailing off of thought.
I would love to see you revise this and re-present it.