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Submitted by whitetea on 17 March 2008 - 3:45am.| Updated 17 March 2008 - 4:54am.
Style / Type:
freeform
cynicism sets in for a while,
leaves. its about that
time of year
except the colors are brighter.
but I look at it
and I am this frenzy,
this jointed organism.
there is nothing
out the window.
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Frankly I didn’t think you
Frankly I didn’t think you were really saying much in this poem. Also, the abstract nature seems somewhat forced, although that may just be my taste.
Lastly, I don’t see the reason for the form you’ve laid it out in. In my opinion if you can’t get your message across in the simplest way, then maybe you should think about what your trying to say.
Sorry if that’s a little harsh, I look forward to more of our work.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
To
me this was a subject difficult to write about and you wrote this cleverly in
poetry-i wish i could do this sort of thing-true regards Lesley