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Submitted by poewriter58 on 16 March 2008 - 8:38pm.| Updated 17 March 2008 - 12:58pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Drifting in and out
Drifting out and in
Drifting in this fevered state has put me in a spin
What is it all about?
Is it reality or just a haze?
Caught up in this whirlpool
Lost within this maze
Thought I heard you call my name
Thought I saw your eyes in the candles flame
Thought I felt a wanton desire
Thought I saw your heart on fire
Longitude or is it longing
Which is it that I feel
Like Alice in her wonderland
My land is so surreal
Latitude, attitude, hell it’s all just platitude
Half baked perceptions
As only a fever can
Burned out offerings
Trying to understand
Why I am not getting through
Though sometimes I think I am
Wondering just what it is
That makes this man a man
Inane and insane I’m following my hopes down the drain
All is lost when all is in vain
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Written during a blazing fever
breaks in the rhyme structure.
The lines that follow each other and rhyme would be well framed if spaced from the lines that rhyme every other line. Give us a few stanza breaks to help the mind settle on the particular insight/imagery.
Also, I feel like it is scratching the surface of the delirium you felt, but not fully committing to the pain and confusion that can swallow your thoughts and emotions. “trying to understand” “wondering just” “all is lost” all seem to lack luster. Take lines like this as chances to scream and paint an original picture for our minds. Put your pain into me! Push yourself, I can smell your developing talent just aching to be set free.
I only comment on poems that I believe have a theme that is both rare and rich with gravity. This whole view into the vulnerable window of your suffering should teach us something new. What would you have it be?
Daniel
Thank you
and a welcome to neo poet.
Thank you for your insightful thoughts on this piece truth be known when it was typed it did have stanzas. as for feeling the pain it was random thought patterns as the note says I was actually running a fever of 101.2 when this was written perhaps that would explain the breaks and confusion. I will go back and see if it will behave and let me put those stanzas in and re read it
Chrys
sorry
Tried several times. Technical problem will not let me do stanzas
Chrys
fever or no fever I think
fever or no fever I think you are a great writer Chrys, stanzas or not but then again I don’t even know how to use them..enjoy you work
best wishes,
Marie
Marie
Thank you so much that is very good of you to say that
I happen to be a big advocate of using stanzas many disagree with this method but that is what makes everyone so interesting . I have been seeing your work and will get to reading it today at some point in time
Chrys
Poem started with tight
Poem started with tight structure and quickly unwound, like your mind in the fever. Reading it I got the sense I was losing control of my thoughts, perceptions, understanding. Can someone open a window in here, it’s getting rather warm. Excellent work, I think you captured that confused, surreal state well. Judging by your above responses, you made it back ok… I wonder if you thought you would?
I agree, the disjointedness
I agree, the disjointedness (is that a real word?) works quite well with the intricacies of the poem. (Like it!) I have but one suggestion: Put another space between the stanzas to make them obvious. Welcome back, you were missed!
Always, Cat
Cat
Thank you as always I tried to recreate that confused dazed feeling guess I managed to well enough
I’m sure there is room for improvement on this one though
as for being missed I think not but thanks for the welcome back it was a wonderful week
Chrys
Thank you
Never gave making it back much thought at the time
glad I was able to capture that confusion thank you for those comments
Chrys