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Submitted by Candlewitch on 14 March 2008 - 11:21am.| Updated 23 March 2008 - 11:37am.
Style / Type:
freeform
Delicate
by: c.m.m.
Love ending…
stands leaning and wilted
like a lily gilded,
awkward and stilted…
Love dying…
lies in a heap,
defeated and flaccid
unable to weep…
Heart healing…
is timorous and shy
wanting to love
yet afraid to try…
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
<p>I don't often rhyme my poems. Out of several hundred poems I have only a handful of rhymed poems. I'm just not good with rhyme, but I would like to get better.</p><p>Always, Cat</p>
(2 votes)
Cat,I think this would work
Cat,
I think this would work better
as a much shorter poem.
Like this—
Love dying…
lies defeated
unable to weep…
Heart healing…
timorous and shy
wanting to love
yet afraid to try…
The lack of rhymn in the first stanza does not
bother me as I like that effect.
Just my personal suggestion please ignore utterly
if you wish :-)
Regards
eric
Oh oh, I’m in trouble… I
Oh oh, I’m in trouble… I like your version too. As I said, I’m not a great rhymer and this was one of the better of my rhymed poems. LOL! Let me think on it for awhile :)
Always, Cat
Delicate
Liked your version better Cat Nice!
Thanks Janice
Your opinion is important to me, too. Love hearing (reading) from you!
Always, Cat
very promising
it is my personal belief that the effect of this same poem can be increased manyfolds if the spacing between the lines was improved. Like such:
“
Love ending…
stands leaning and wilted;
like a lily gilded,
awkward and stilted…;
Love dying…
lies in a heap;
defeated and flaccid,
unable to weep…;
Heart healing…
is timorous and shy;
wanting to love,
yet afraid to try…
“
i don’t know how much sense what i said actually makes, but it makes it a much better read, for me at least.
well written, waiting to see more of you!
Thanks!
You make perfect sense. Now let’s see if I can implement your suggestion without messing it up, LOL! Thank you for reading and for your helpful suggestions!
Always, Cat
a theme that appeals to everyone
and your rhymes work well…very refreshingly and pointedly put!
Poetic regards,
Ink Dragon
Hello Ink Dragon!
Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem.
Always, Cat