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your entry. Good luck in the contest!

Mark W.

Hi Kairan the poem ends (for me) on the last line
of stanza 3.

I would cut L4 of stanza 1.
L4 stanza 2, I would cut “walk of life”
and substitute - they go to show.
in L5, do you mean gratitude (gratuity)?

Although I would cut stanza 4 out
I would keep the last line-
Thanks be to God!

Then I think you might have a good-un here.

All the best

eric

I’ve amended it as you suggested Eric thanks. II wasn’t too sure at first about taking our stanza 4, but when you think about it, it didn’t really add anything to the poem. Thanks, let’s see how it fairs now

Kieran

“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week

Its working for me now Kieran
but I have an additional thought
in the last stanza it would be better I think
if you brought the action into the present tense
like—

The actor sings, “Not worthy!”
And lays his Oscar down.
The painter sings, “My Lord!”
And lays his oeuvre down.
The mother sings, “Praise be!”
And lays her children down.
The president sings “Hail Hail!”
And lays his country down.

What do you think?

You could also get rid of those “ands”
by using Laying instead of lay
but I am not sure if all those “ing” sounds will work.

eric

That’s a good idea Eric, it actual works better with my original idea for the poem. It was going to be as if watching it and describing the scene to someone. There was an ommited first line of “Now look,”

However I am going to keep the “And”s in there, I like the repetitive nature it adds to that part. I wanted to show the labourious way in which the procession takes place.

Thanks once again for you comments

Kieran

“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week

Forgot to mention that you cound get rid of more “ands” elsewhere.
Connecting words can be bumps in the road sometimes.
For instance

L4 “And adorned, by the most wondrous things.”
could be written-

“Adorned by wonderous things” (you could use - artifacts)
you could then lose the comer at the end of L3.

Also L1 stanza 2 where you have-
“And each day”

‘Each day’, would surfice.

Just some thoughts to make the poem leaner and fitter

regards

eric

Well what I’ve done is amend line 4 of stanza one, removing the “and” but also the “the”. But I’m going to keep the “and” in line 1 of stanza 2, it doesn’t seem to repetitive now with the previous one removed, and also I like the tone it adds to the piece. I don’t think it’d sound nice if all the conjunctives were removed.

Kieran

“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week

:-) Okay. Well poemed. eric

My two cents worth: You could still get rid of the “and”s without adding an ing sound to it by saying, She lays her children down, He lays his country down, etc. Good poem!

Always, Cat

Thanks for your comments Cat. I feel doing that would just be substituting one word for another. While it’s true I could change them, I don’t think it’d make any good impact on the poem. I think I’ll leave it as it is, just now anyway! If there’s a cavalcade of comments to say the opposite, I’ll think again!

Thanks again.

Kieran

“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week