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Submitted by Candlewitch on 12 March 2008 - 1:38pm.| Updated 12 March 2008 - 4:46pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
He loved the thought of her.
she was born in his mind,
of simple dimensions she was cast.
His life was a lonely climb
from the valleys of his youth,
across the sleeping prairies
of his hunter days.
He followed the call of instinct,
cresting on the tide of
the heat seeking missile of his loins,
through faceless anonymity,
a sea of meaningless encounters
oceans of one night stands.
Giving silent witness to his bachelorhood,
his contemporaries fell by the way,
one by one taken to the marriage bed
fallen soldiers victims of feminine prey.
(And) no one could tell him
that he only loved the thought of her
the image he carried in his head…
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
(2 votes)
Some interesting writing
Some interesting writing here.
It got my attention.
I think you need to cut “verdant’ from L5
and “soulless” from L6.
Suggest you don’t need “crazed” before “basic instincts”
the term implies a biological imperitive and wildness
already.
Not sure about the title, for me
it does not highlight the poem enough.
Good theme. Good poem
All the best
eric
Thank you Eric,
I feel that you are right on all counts. How about “Lover’s Wasteland” for a title?
Always, Cat
Works for me Cat :-) eric
Works for me Cat :-)
eric
Beautifully written. Sorry I
Beautifully written. Sorry I dont have any suggestions.
Don’t forget me
–I won’t remember anything else.
Thank you
Thank you for reading and commenting. I think I am going to go with “Lover’s Wasteland” for the title, my title before that was “Love Lite…” pretty bad, huh? LOL!
Always, Cat
Hi Gary,
Thanks for reading and critiquing my poem “Lover’s Wasteland.” It is always so nice to hear from you. Take care and be well,
Cat
Carrying a candle
I think this now really works well Cat and have no suggestions for you…and of course I like it too. Carrying the candle for considered perfection thoughout your life can lead to a profilgate strategy that is true. And yes time has a nasty habit of improving your estimate of that perfection so no one else stands any chance of matching let alone excelling it. We always exaggerate the qualities of those we love who are real but seem to do so even more for those we imagine loving. lol. Keith
Hi Keith
You seem to understand the guts of this poem. I had some help from Eric in cutting a couple of superfluous words, and he inspired me to reach a little deeper for the title. Glad you liked this one,
Always, Cat