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Submitted by Candlewitch on 10 March 2008 - 1:38pm.| Updated 10 March 2008 - 4:26pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Seed
She was hermetically sealed
so he cracked her,
gently, deftly,
like a freshly laid egg
easing her s l o w l y
down into
the waiting bed
of the frying pan
for his dining pleasure.
but (some say)
he didn’t
know how to cook!
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
This was something a little different for me. I was striving to do something new and original and see with new eyes.
Cat
(4 votes)
LMAO!
Keith, your comment really cracked me up! Hopefully he was a gourmet chef who left the *Crisco in the can where it belongs! (oh, the images that come to mind!)
Always, Cat
humorous
I started laughing immediately after reading this. I don’t know if that’s what you were going for, but thanks for the laugh.
If I made you laugh then the
If I made you laugh then the poem has done its job well!
Thanks, Cat
Clever and amusing! I tend
Clever and amusing! I tend to think line 10 might work better as “but (some say)”; Am I off track here?
Thanks Rob,
You were spot on. I’m glad you enjoyed my humorus little poem!
Cat
lol
this brightened up my day:]
I’m so glad! Thanks, Cat
I’m so glad!
Thanks,
Cat
I think the whole egg=woman
I think the whole egg=woman thing, works well enough with the line “so he cracked her”. I thought the 2 other parts to solidify the analogy kinda ruined it, made it too obvious (egg, frying pan?)
I think the last line would have much more impact without the words egg or frying pan being used. I’d suggest reading it without those liens and see what you think.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
Thank you Kieran,
I read it the way you suggested, and it certainly makes for a new poem. I will have to think some more on this one and give it time to sink in. Your suggestions and opinion are greatly appreciated.
Cat
Cat
a word before I leave
you blew your cover way too soon
like the idea behind it though would like to see more suspense for the reader is she talking about eggs or a relationship or both type thing
Chrys
Hello,
Thanks for the input, Chrys. Maybe we can talk sometime, when you return from your trip, and you can give me some pointers on how you would have done it differently.
Come back soon,
Cat
Cat
Loved it, gave me a laugh also !!
Hi Janice,
I’m so happy that I amused people with this one! Thanks for your input!
Cat
Smile
Well you know what they say Cat, “out of the frying pan into the fire”…but perhaps he was just a lousy teflon-coated lover who did not know about the sensual wonders of extra virgin oil. lol Keith