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Submitted by Candlewitch on 8 March 2008 - 5:55pm.| Updated 2 May 2008 - 11:01am.
Style / Type:
freeform
Like a thief in the night
I would come…
This dangerous invitation,
Irresistible as plums.
Sweet offerings you make
Yourself as the treasure,
All you sacrifice
would be my pleasure.
I would find you anywhere,
And I would come through fire and ice,
Give my mercurial affection,
If you vow to pay the price.
I would whisper love’s sweet lies,
Tempt you with magnetic eyes,
Hold you tightly ‘til you cry,
one lingering kiss to steal your sigh,
Taking all you have
(and much more,)
Feasting greedily
Upon your honeyed shore.
And when the moment’s passed,
To cloaking night I’ll return,
From stolen moments in love’s clasp,
Leaving you, alone to burn…
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
(another poem by Edge, my male alter ego) I need title suggestions along with whatever other suggestions you may have over all. I thank you in advance for your help. Cat
Updated.
(4 votes)
Thank you for your title suggestions
I will keep them in mind as (offerings) is just a working title. Thanks, so much!
Cat
Sorry
styx
Hi cat
We must be on the same wave length tonight here in England it is nearly midnight and i too sit here and put on a few poems and now read others maybe you will take a look at Destroy the reaper and Dark Shadows and the others
I too feeling i am being drawn deep into the darkness of the unknown but know somethng is there waiting for me but it is just out of reach
your poem is awesome my friend
Maggie R
Hey Maggie
Sorry I missed you last night. Yes it was a dark one, as my husbands best friend passed away. He had pancreatic cancer. The mood here was pretty grim. I will take a look at those poems that you recommended. Thanks for reading.
Hugs, Cat (Styx)
styx
Hi Cat
I am sorry for the loss or your husbands friend to Cancer. I know this illness too well with my parents my first husband and my best friend you do what you can but you know it is only a matter of time so i hopefully gave some quality of life to them all with my love my time they were secure that i would do all that was necessary and left them with no worries as to say.
I do not know abut prayer as i do not feel my prayers get through i have felt desereted in this so i only have myself so i cry for days then pull myself together for a while and cry a little more.
My best friend has been my writing as i just pour the words out with no plannng the pen writes until it is all done and then i read what i have written through the tears as i could not see when i wrote my words.
I wish i could give you a long hug
love always
Maggie R
xxx
Offerinfgs
Hi Cat
I could never hold a candle to your excellent penmanship this is awesome
If only I could write like this - this is an awesome powerful poem the imagery and emotions sent my mind a racing again with visual pictures i think i will try a picture story board to go with each verse
This is one i will have to read again and again because when i read it the words become living moving pictures to me.
This touched my raw emotions i just loved it.
Maggie R
hugs
xxx
Hey Maggie, You can write
Hey Maggie,
You can write much more eloquently than this poem. I got some help from the porfessor, and others. They had really good ideas and the poem wasn’t nearly as good until I rewrote it, keeping those suggestions in mind.
I would love to see the pictures that you create with your truely artistic mind!
hugs, Cat
Plundered treasure or Love's night-thief?
Really enjoyed this one Cat except for the last verse which seemed to lose it a little and a slight porblem with the verse break in the middle. With the latter I read it as:
“I would come through fire and ice
To whisper loves sweet lies,
…..”
i.e there should be no full stop after ice and the two verses should not be split. Or may be i have got this wrong somehow.
With the last verse I just felt it needed tweaking to help the flow and emphasis and perhaps joining up the sense a little better too. Something like:
“And when the moments passed,
To night I will return,
Now sated from love’s grasp,
I’ll abandon you to burn…”
Just some thoughts…take or leave as always. Keith
I see what you mean and I
I see what you mean and I certainly like your verse better than mine, but as moonman says, I will have to come up with my own. Thanks for pointing me to the starting place. I will work on it as my muse allows.
Cat
Last verse
Hi Cat, obviously i did not expect you to use my re-write precisely, but it seemed the easiest way to show you what I meant. Sorry to hear your news. Keith
Yes, I know you were just
Yes, I know you were just giving me an example, but I did like it very much. LOL, no, I wouldn’t be satisfied if I took the lazy way out. I have to do the work myself or I don’t learn anything. Thank you for your condlolences.
Cat
Hi Cat...
I love a good plum…This poem is very good..it could stand a little tweaking..like the professor said the last stanza could be said better but his rewrite wouldn’t be yours and neither would mine..your title is within the poem…vivid images in this write Cat..or Styx..
Thanks Moonman
That’s the reason why I’m here, to evolve into a better poet. Thank you for your help and encouragement.
Cat
Hi I enjoyed reading your poem
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your response!
Cat
Adding my praise for
Adding my praise for this.
Good revision.
All the best
eric
I was so busy with the guts
I was so busy with the guts of the revision, that I forgot to add punctuation. But that was quickly cured. As always, thank you Eric!
Cat
ok Cat
My 2 cents worth
the last stanza is missing something I tripped over the words
I like whats his names ( oh yes Keith) suggestion it smoothed the edges
reminds me of someone I know lol
the rest let it stand as is
Chrys
as request
i took a look cat and there is just one line that seems somewhat weak to me
from stolen moments in loves clasp
give it more umph you can do it
wow this reminds me of your lessons doesn’t it lol
Chrys
Thanks Chrys,
I will look at the line in question with more critical eyes and take the time necessary to digest your opinion and then wait upon my muse for life-sustaining ambrosia.
Thanks to everyone who responded. I really sweated over this one and I am very open to suggestions and opinions.
Cat
Are you still
Wow Cat!!
So very dark and sublime. The structure and flow are very good, and I’d leave it be. Titles? “Burgled By A Shadow?” (just kidding) “Dangerous Darkness?” “Broken Sanctions?” “Stolen Love?”
Styx/Edge suits you well!
~Lynn (Jess K.)
————————————————————————————
~ “Bush is listening…. use big words!”
~ “Your inferiority complex is better than mine…”
:)
Thanks for reading and your comments. I’ll consider those title suggestions! Have a great day.
Always, Cat
love the ferocious little kitten!