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Submitted by poewriter58 on 8 March 2008 - 10:12am.| Updated 8 March 2008 - 12:25pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
The city is bathed in neon stars
The deafening noise wafting from the bars
A cardboard bed beneath the stairs
Decay and decadence fill the air
Say there Mr. can you spare a dime?
For another taste of rot gut wine
Are you alone , in need of a friend?
For fifty dollars the night she will spend
To needle park the ambulance sped
One overdoese the other is dead
The city can be heartless and cold
It steals the mind , then rapes the soul
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
The city is different when you work and go to school and live in one of the five boroughs the glitz of Broadway is lost apologies to those that do not like rhyme
(3 votes)
Hi good poeming but I do
Hi good poeming
but I do feel you lose the rhythm and meter
in the L1&2 of Stanza 3.
The other consideration when writing a poem like this
is not to try to speak of every aspect
of raw street life but to focus more on a certain
facet of it. If you spread your net too wide,
the work can then say too little about too much.
Apart from this reservation I enjoyed the work.
eric
Interesting
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece let me have another look at this and see what I can do
I see what you are saying about too little and too much
Chrys
Eric
After reading this through again I found you were correct
I therefore have trimmed it down somewhat but left, what in my opinion after as stated going to school , working and living in the city(NYC and Brooklyn)are the crucial features that always stood out and horrified me
hope the change fairs well
thanks for your input
In all fairness to the city it is a truly beautiful vista when viewed from the Brooklyn side of the East River , day time yes , but especially at night it is breathtaking
Chrys
Good Morning!
The last two lines are my favorites! Good work!
Cat
thanks Cat
I am going to try reworking this piece as the poem in itself has meaning for me watch for a rewrite
Chrys
you have just read the new and improved version
I’ve reworked this poem as per Eric’s suggestion
found that it did try to capture to much at once that is how strongly I feel about the city. Now it focuses on the things that I hate the most about it,glad I am where I am now
Thanks Gary
Chrys
comment
I agree with eric’s comments but would also like to add that there seem to be
a lot of little words without much meaning - for instance the several articles in
the first stanza. Try considering small changes like “its deafening noise” rather
than “the deafening noise,” and so on.
Now that is a whole lot
Now that is a whole lot better Chrys.
The rhythm is consistent and it
does not sound like you are
trying to capture all things in one basket.
A fine poem
eric
Eric
My thanks to you
glad the rewrite sat well
hey when you are right you’re right
Chrys
A new voice welcome
This has already gone through suggested changes
I am grateful for your input , I’m trying to see where changing “the little words” would improve the poem there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference you have given one example however you say little words without meaning and left it at that this indicates that there were others
The and Its , the only difference I can see is one is more personal than the other
thanks for sharing your thoughts on this
Chrys
Nicely done, my friend!
Nicely done, my friend!
Poetwriter~
“For fifty dollars the night she will spend” seemed to me you wanted it to rhyme, but the sentence was off a bit~just my meager opinion
Janice
Thanks opinions are appreciated can’t change that line it has a personal meaning for me
thanks for reading and commenting your comments are always welcome
Chrys