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Submitted by Candlewitch on 6 March 2008 - 12:29pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Nobody’s Child
Doll-baby
tumbling
porcelain
fractures
spidery-web
cracks
all through
the plaster
painted smile
on lips alabaster
broken doll-baby
tumbling faster…
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
I wrote this piece from my experience of child abuse. It is about being pushed down the stairs. I "hear" it being read in a slight sing-song voice.
(5 votes)
well wrote Candle Witch
when the message is delievered in a sing song voice it relates to the children who suffer at the hands of the child abuse.
In ink,
David
Thank you for reading and
Thank you for reading and commenting. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I’m glad you can appreciate the piece.
Always, Cat
This to me is your best poem
This to me is your best poem so far. The images,flow, language and form are stunning. Beautifully written. Stunning work.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
I read
your footnote after commenting. The fact that this about abuse makes this even more stunning. A brave poem, to be able to express yourself so eloquently speaks volumes. This gets a 5 from me :-)
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Thank you Kaz!
I’m glad you read my simple little poem. Writing is my way of engaging in therapy. It really is helpfully cleansing. Thank you for your thoughtful responses.
Cat
Cat , Cat
Wow you hitting hard and batting a thousand
excellent work just excellent
Chrys
Hey Chrys,
Thanks for your review, I know I can count on you. I know you will be there if I need to run something by or even if I just need to talk. Thanks for being you.
Cat
Disturbing and a little
Disturbing and a little depressing: not the kind of damage that can be fully repaired, is it? The “spidery-web / cracks” are especially vivid… Well done!
Hi Rob,
If I caused that reaction in you, then my poem has done its job well. Not the kind of damage that can be completely fixed, but writing helps the most. It also helps that I do not hate the person, just their actions. Sometimes they are a bit hard to separate. Thanks for reading,
Cat
Nobody's Child
Wow, Cat….this is so powerful. Of course it’s disturbing, considering the subject matter. It gave me chills. The thought of hearing it in a sing-song voice is absolutely haunting.
You’ve given victims of child abuse a unique voice in a sea of voices. Wonderfully written, Cat. So very sad.
~ Ronda
I’m so glad that you
I’m so glad that you understand… to write about something is not to wallow in it. To write about it is to keep it in the light of day and encourage others to come forward. Writing it was a healing experience. Thank you so very much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me.
Cat
Broken doll
Disturbing poem Cat. Loved the image of the ageing porcelain doll with all those spidery cracks on her fixed smiling face (brings to mind Victorian dolls). Since you ask about the title I am not sure myself although “Broken doll” came to mind. Bearing in mind what this is actually about perhaps “Discarded child” might be a possibility.
Not sure whether it would be better to say “alabaster lips” rather than “lips alabaster” although i can see the latter might be better for the sing-song tone.
Another really good poem Cat..Keith
Thank you for your
Thank you for your suggestions, as usual you have some very good ideas. I think I will leave the title alone until I find one that really grabs me.
Cat
Good one Cat a very powerful
Good one Cat
a very powerful poem
(suggest, you do not need L7)
All the best
eric
Hello, my new friend! Your
Hello, my new friend! Your input and suggestions are highly appreciated and valued, because I know that you really care about the integrity of the poem. I am going to leave that line in because I feel it contributes to the sing-song tone of the reading.
Cat
Wow
I’ve never been physically abused
but only sexually
I have to say your poem really got to me
I think I really felt your pain
The pain will never fade
but seeing as you’re still standing
& brave enough to share it with other people..
You’re very strong
It’s admirable
kudos hundredth-fold =)
(your title made me feel sad
as my dad left saying I hated him
I honestly felt like nobody’s child..
a great title choice, it definitely grabbed my eye
when looking at your list of work)
Hello,
I too have suffered sexual abuse, the first time, from age 13 to 15. (actually 12 1/2) and then again later in my 20’s, so I do understand. It took me a long time to stop feeling guilty for something which wasn’t my fault. Yes, I’m still standing, because of my poetry and my shrink, not to mention medication. Thank you for your kindness and I hope for all the best for you.
Always, Cat