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Submitted by Kieran Nelson on 5 March 2008 - 5:11pm.| Updated 29 March 2008 - 3:05pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
The moon is blind,
As it sits silent
And unmoving in,
The everlasting night.
And below him
Stands my ocean
At slackwater
The same.
Awaiting the command,
Of his wax or his wane,
Determining the fate
Of my transatlantic deep.
One way will unleash it,
The booming voice of this blue,
Setting free it’s tempest;
To lay seige unto the rocks.
Then it’s influence shall spread,
from coastline and to shore,
And with the barricades broken
The land and sea become one.
The other will recede mine,
Pulling it back into the squall.
Where ignorant it will be to
The wonderous joining it could have caused.
But it’s his choice to decide;
Be it forward or be it back,
And the decision will live,
In infamy shaping my world for on and on.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
(4 votes)
it’s pretty, but i
it’s pretty,
but i yawned
(not physically, mentally)
Any particular reason why?
Any particular reason why? Any help is much appreciated!
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
Hello,
You held my interest all the way through this interesting piece. The only problems I had were with: “of his wax or of his wane” I think it would read more smoothly as: Of his wax or wane (less is more) and: “from coastline and to shore” drop the and. Also, “be it forward or be it back” I would change to: be it forward or back. This is only a suggestion of course. Other than those minor things, I think it is perfect and I enjoyed the read.
Cat
Thanks Cat, I had a look at
Thanks Cat, I had a look at what you said and I donno, I think the flow of the peice would be stuttered if the words were taken out. I put them in to make it work better. What I have done however is change the punctuation of those lines, I don’t think you read them the same as me and that how it may not work.
I may still be wrong, so please bear with me, any other suggestions from anyone else would help to.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
The Moon's Great Choice
I think is is very well written and enjoyed much.
Jeanette
moon sitting
the basic form is good on this
but i feel it stiff in regards
to action or passion
its rather a calm amost
detached notation of the
moon
perhaps thats your meter
of this event
i realize that a lot is going
on
“tempest on the rocks” etc
but like the first Poet wrote
its lacking a certian “bite”
not completely sure why
O
The revisions have brought
The revisions have brought this poem to life - I liked it before, now its awesome.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
hey its changed!!
Yes love the new
its fab!
O