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Submitted by Kieran Nelson on 4 March 2008 - 2:59pm.| Updated 4 March 2008 - 3:03pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Solace
Sunlight without windows
Posts without walls
Ceiling meeting floor below,
The dust, melts the air.
The shrivelled bodies
Of what once were logs
Have been spat,
from out the hearth.
And from that place
Flows a black sea of bile
Which has covered,
And corrupted it all.
Down
Down there,
in a corner,
Under now but stained rag;
Lay the ruins of purity
Converted now, to but cold, hard ash,
Which will soon be spurned;
Lost upon the cold spring breeze.
And there,
untouched: stands a
small
red
chair
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Nicely descriptive poem but
Nicely descriptive poem
but you tend to exaggerate
in parts. Subtle is best.
Better you just show the scene
and let the reader feel
the emotion you hint at.
Good job, needs some tweaking.
All the best
eric
Hi Eric, thanks for the
Hi Eric, thanks for the comments, could you give me an example of the exaggeration so I can go back over it? Sorry I just wrote it tonight so however many times I look at it, I’m blind to it’s failings.
Thanks
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
Its the sharpness of some of
Its the sharpness of some of the the phrases.
“black sea of bile”
when you are simply talking of soot or ash.
Yes I know we can imagine all sorts of things and attribute
all sorts of associations to what we see, but should we?
The metaphor we use should feel right.
The use of the word “corrupt” seems out of place
when talking of simple soot or dirt. Muck and debre don’t
corrupt, they cover and mask or bury. To imply a
corruption is to use a too organic a term unless
we are talking of actual flesh. I am not too comfortable
with the use of “spurned’ either. Its a human action
that does not sit easily in any talk of elemental
things like ash and wind.
Must add though that apart from these niggles
I think the poem is very good.
All the best
eric