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Submitted by poewriter58 on 2 March 2008 - 3:48am.
Style / Type:
freeform
You stand in the wake of a longing
You tread upon a heart
You disguise intentions with cunning
Then keep two souls apart
With silver wings on a sky of blue
Ah but if only those wings would bring me to you
Watching the sunset pink and gold
Wanting so much your heart to hold
The clouds reflecting like amber cut glass
Ever wondering would this have the strength to last
Billowing serenity below our wings
Reminding me of life’s subtle things
And you
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Someday, maybe
(9 votes)
Silver Wings and You
This piece is full of beautiful images, and I have seen those clouds beyond the wing of my own window seat. Loneliness can incite lovely inspiration. Nice work, Chrys.
~ Ronda
I have to agree poe
I’ve been trashed by him too as have many others.No one here at neopoet has ever taken offense until recently.Constuctive advice is what is needed,but in a helpful,guiding,and polite kind of way.Not everyone will like everybodies poems.But rudeness is not the way to help.This is a place to improve and relate to other writers.I think eric might need to do some soul searching of his own.
I loved your poem,Poe.
Lacy,
Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
Ronda
Thank you so much after the bashing I just took on this one it is appreciated
Chrys
Hi there Poewriter...
Look at that..you make being lonley an art..very nice work..your emotions are well penned.
Hey Thank you
This is what happens when you yave been flying and running from gate to gate all day
Chrys
Longing
Would that poetic longing could close distances between people Chrys, if so you would never be alone..lol. Not sure i can entirely picture “clouds refecting like amber cut glass” but it certainly sounds good. Keith
Think about it Keith
When viewed from the horizon in a plane( you should well know this) the clouds turn brilliant colors at sunset they were pink gold and amber and the place where the sun was the strongest turn amber and the clouds being icy looked like glass come on Keith use your imagination lol
Chrys
This was...
…a beautiful poem.Silver wings and you,thats what caught my eye,then you delivered nicely.Good job poet.
Lacy,
Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
Lacy
Thank you so much for that comment it is appreicated
Chrys
I read this several times to more clearly understand
what you were saying. Poignant and eloquent. A freqent flyer anthem perhaps?
RT
Thanks RT
no not really(frequent flyer lol) just random thoughts as I was gazing out the plane window
Chrys
Experience
I just enjoyed this Chrys. A rather peaceful ending although maybe lonely.
Thanks,
Mark
Thanks Mark
I got the message across didn’t I
Chrys
Beautiful
And lonely… I don’t have to imagine it as I have seen it for myself. Your poem brings back memories for me of a skiing trip to Utah a long time ago. It sounds like your trip, and all those clouds around you brought out myriad thoughts and emotions. Well done! (Great to see you back again!)
Cat
Cat
You know me far to well . Yes a myriad of thoughts it was but the sky from that elevation is beautiful at sunset
I’ll be gone for another week to visit Jessie
Chrys
Sorry but I find the rhymes
Sorry but I find the rhymes too dull and obvious for
me to take this work seriously. Look at the rhymes you have used,
wings-things, blue-you. If you are going to choose
rhyme to express yourself you will need to find more
interesting and less Hallmark rhymes. These do not
even rise to the average of a poor country or pop song.
The actual poem really says nothing new to me also.
All the best
eric
Perhaps
you might consider not reading poems that rhyme if you feel so strongly about them. Instead of being constructive comments you very nicely trashed my work because you do not care for the rhyme which is an accepted form . Oh yes I am a serious writer but I need not prove that to anyone
thank you for your opinion biased as it is and as offensive as it is. we are here to help one another not to bash their work or not to run their work into the ground. you obviously have not read my other work so I will ask you not to as it is already published in book form and is selling well you have obviously ignored the critiquing requests as well . Now I was going to keep this between you and I but I see you do not accept private messages I also noted that even when you have something half way decent to say to someone you always add a post script finding something wrong with it instead of guiding them on how they may improve their work
you had your say so I feel it only fair that I have mine and please do not feel I cannot take a bad review I can and have but this is pure trashing someones work because you don’t like their style . I have read your work and do not care for it but to comment on it would be biased because I am not a fan of the style you write in . But I did not trash your work because I am biased toward the style
I found your comment that you felt my work would not rise to the average of a poor pop or country song that was just plain rude and I found nothing helpful nor beneficial in your comments no one has ever placed themselves above another writer as you have