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Submitted by Candlewitch on 29 February 2008 - 5:29pm.| Updated 23 March 2008 - 11:42am.
Style / Type:
freeform
She is the Night
(by: c.m.m.)
She was deepest night
And she fell all ‘round him
Caressing his body like a silken suit.
Sometimes she was soft as rose petals,
Touching his face with all the ease
And grace of warm springtime.
She was darkest night
And her friend, the moon, had left her,
As, timidly, she came upon him,
Whispering in his ear like rustling leaves
In haunted woods
Where Autumn breaks brisk and laden.
She was deadliest night
And she came hard upon him
Like the calm before the storm
When the wind comes sighing,
Sending him chasing after his hat
While she deliciously laughed
As she and I are one, We are the night!
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Would "Lady Night" make a better title? I am very open to title suggestions. Thanks, Cat
(10 votes)
will add my qulified praise
will add my qulified praise for this work Cat.
The weakest stanza IMO is the second one.
tinkling bells- fairy woods —-
crisp and even — all are uninspired.
I am glad you took the suggestion re: white space.
A worthy effort but it needs a little work.
eric
She is the Night
Nice, Cat. Haven’t seen the darker side of you too often; as you said, you keep it hidden. Nice to see it step out into the “light” here.
~ Ronda
She is Night
Hi Cat found this site hope to explore more
Keep the title
This is awesome i could feel the sensation the emotions so powerful amazing my friend
Maggie R
Awesome writing. I like the
Awesome writing. I like the progression at the beginning of each stanza - that works really well. These lines are brilliant:-
She was deadliest night
And she came hard upon him
Like the calm before the storm
When the wind comes sighing,
Delicious imagery, beautifully written, the flow is really smooth and carries the story extremely well. I really enjoyed reading this - several times. :-)
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
My Two Cents
Dear girl for what it is worth I like distant and clear
also keep the title as is
say hi to Styx for me will you lol
nice work Cat
Chrys
Brava!!
““
its all been said already.
Lacy,
Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.
Hi Maggie!
Thanks for the support! It is so good to see you here. I hope to see more of you and your talented work. Hugs,
Cat
Hello eric,
I just wanted you to know that I haven’t rejected your opinion about that line. I have been working on it, but until I come up with something better to take its place, I’ll just let it stand. Sometimes it takes me awhile for my muse to kick me in the butt and get me going.
:) Cat
Thank you Lacy, :) Cat
Thank you Lacy,
:) Cat
Hi Kaz
I don’t know how I missed this post, but I apologize for it taking me so long to respond. Thank you so much for reading!
Always, Cat
Hi Chrys!
You must know by now that your comments and suggestions are always welcome.
Always, Cat
No sooner...
No sooner did I write this reply then an idea came to me. I hope this version is better… it feels better to me.
Cat
.
i liked it.
:)
Thank you for telling me, and I’m glad that you liked it!
Cat
yeah
i think you should keep that title. its is simple and lady night is kind of cheesy. i enjoyed the ending the most :)
*
Thank you very much for your input. I think you are right, after thinking about the title, Lady Night does sound kind of cheesy.
Cat
This is lovely
with excellent use of metaphor!
If it’s OK w/u, I’d like to offer a suggestion — I think this beautiful piece would be even more so if you added some white space between your verses — something about white space allows the mind to pause and take in what it has just read before moving to the next vivid picture.
Reverend Bec Hudson
Shine Your Light
It’s the ONLY Way to Get Rid of the Darkness!
Hi Reverend!
I always welcome suggestions and I have found yours to be most helpful! I tried it out and you are right… it looks better! Thank you for your suggestion and feel free to make all the suggestions that you feel might be useful.
Cat
She Is The Night
I liked this all the way through! “We Are The Night”, for a title~ don’t really know~Janice
Hi Janice!
I’m glad that you liked my poem. Thank you for your suggestion! Have a great weekend!
Cat
Night predator
I did not have you down as a night predator Cat but I rather like your night, a little frightening but alluring at the same time..lol. I really enjoyed this in terms of its tone, imagery and flow. My only small concern was the use of the all too familiar “crisp and even”…i just cant help that conjuring up the image of Good King Wenceslas and that was clearly not appropriate here. Keith
Thanks Keith
I think there is a bit of the night predator in most of us. I generally keep that side of me well hidden. The line, “Where Autumn broke crisp and even,” Would it be better represented with; “Where Autumn broke distinct and clear?” (or sharp and clear?) Thank you for taking the time to help me out with this!
Cat
Crisp and even
Hi Cat, i know you like me to make suggestions so i will try. Crisp and even is very much a winter image rather than an autumnal one…as well as being somewhat cliched due to the famous Christmas Carol. I would have tried to capture the colour and atmosphere of autumn and so, for example might have expressed this as “russet-leaf damp” or some other combination. Keith
Hi Cat...
I like the poem…Night Delicacies..was the theme for me if I read it correctly…but your title does work..thanks for posting.
Hi Moonman!
In this piece I have shown a peek at my darkside. I’m glad that you liked it. Thank you for your viewpoint. I am always interested in what you have to say.
Cat
“Deepest,”
“Deepest,” “darkest,” and “deadliest”: I really like the way this is structured, and the poem is for me attractively spooky!
PS: I like the present title; standard would be to capitalize the “is” though.