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Submitted by Kieran Nelson on 28 February 2008 - 6:49pm.| Updated 29 February 2008 - 1:22pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
drip
drip
drip
furiously fidgeting though excited I’m not
drip
drip
drip
electrons misfiring no thinking is thought
drip
drip
drip
to-ing and fro-ing pacing the floor
drip
drip
drip
waiting for my opus to knock on the door
drip
DROP
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
(3 votes)
Boredom - been there done
Boredom - been there done that to me time drags more slowly when I am bored - this captured that. I liked this a lot - the decreasing drips worked well for me to drive the piece along. I loved the full stop drop at the end.
Kaz
by the way I like your profile picture - :-)
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Yes, it works for me
Yes, it works for me although i think you overplay your hand.
I would cut the drips down. Try treble drips
between the lines. I think that would have more punch.
Good work
eric
Enjoyed this. The idea of
Enjoyed this. The idea of waiting for one’s opus is funncy and cool. I think a stronger ending would be to just drip its way out…
See I didn’t think this
See I didn’t think this one was that good when i re-read it. Thanks for the comments.
This is with the last poem i posted within that bunch I’m writing, it seems to be starting off well.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
Thanks Eric, I had another
Thanks Eric, I had another look at it, and it does read better for one with the treble drips but it doesn’t lose the feeling of boredom within it.
I think when originally wrote, I was forcing the reader to actually become bored reading the poem. Maybe a little much. Thanks for you insightful stuff!
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
:-) yes. the object of the
:-) yes. the object of the poem is to show boredom not induce it!
Much more impact now.
Good poeming
eric