The first and only democratic, member-ran poetry community — Register Free
Submitted by dbaker on 7 February 2008 - 7:57pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
“Camino de Los Estrellas”
My Uncle Mario sat with me under an October’s cobalt desert sky.
He sang to me songs of the glorious stars.
Love’s tragic loss, of a hero’s glorious end.
The purity of a good life lived.
How a northern star illuminates the dance of seven little angels.
As they chase one small dolphin, across the sea celestial.
Falling stars, tell us that the old gods yet still live.
Showering us in silver, and gold waterfalls of their love.
A milky ribbon points the way to our inner soul, allowing us to
examine the eternal.
Hand in hand, callused, and soft.
We sat, and watched the stars, and their grand paseo around the vault of heaven
-DS Baker
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
This piece was published in the Autumn Edition '06 of Skyline Poetry
(1 vote)
This was a GOOD poem!
I love the line ‘a milky ribbon points the way to our inner soul, allowing us to examine the eternal.’ I also love the way you’ve utilized and positioned the words. The only comment I have (if I may be so bold), is that I wanted to read some of the stanzas with commas where you’ve used periods…Maybe it is just my interpretation that is making me read it that way.
For instance, where you wrote:
‘Hand in hand, calloused and soft.
We sat, and watched the stars, and their grand paseo
around the vault of heaven’
I wanted to read it like this:
‘Hand in hand,
calloused and soft,
we sat and watched the stars,
and their grand paseo
around the vault of heaven.’
Thanks for sharing your great poem!
Thank you!
You know that is a solid suggestion. I have worked this piece as many times as I can. It should not have had the spacing that it does here. Sometimes when I cut&paste from another source, my spacing gets shot all to hell.
-DS Baker
Posting
First off, this was a joy to read, both in the craftsmanship and the content. You’ve captured the moment so beautifully and allowed us to share a precious moment. Thank you for that.
Posting: I had this same problem of erratic line breaks and even more annoying spacing problems, but I cured it:
[1] select copy and paste from Word to Notepad
[2] select copy and paste from Notepad to the site
It works every time. Since I now use Notepad regularly I’ve created a copy shortcut and pasted it onto my desktop to save time.
Hope this helps
Meic
“not all matterings of mind equal one violet” ~ e e cummings ~
Cut & Paste
Thank you for the tip and for the grand compliments. I don’t know who said it first but once a long time ago a writer once said-I would rather be read than dead, but if dead, I would still preferr to be read. Thank you for takinng the time to read my stuff.
Moon your too nice for words. Thanks buddy for reading my work.
Daibhidh
David
Hi dbaker...
This is an excellent piece that deserves being published…thanks for sharing it with us here….
Star Road
ngaio c.beck
Somebody help me out here.
I am a European,(Turkish-German),literate in several languages.I am trying very hard to reach the soul of American-English.Having thus written,I would like to understand this poem.What makes it a great poem?A wizened old man expounding some folklore? I understand the Astronomical simile of “the Dolphin,the seven angels,and even the milky ribbon).How does this point the way to our eternal soul?Is their some occult meaning I have not grasped?How do(sic) falling stars tell us that the old? gods still live?What old gods?Thor,Odin,Jupiter,Mazda?How do falling stars tell us this?Is their some work which I might immerse myself in to help me uderstand.There are many more of us in this country with English as a second language.I’ve found that no guarantee for understanding American English.
Thank you very much,
Yr.Obdt.Svt.
Ngaio Beck
Translatation or not?
Herr Beck,
I often think that poetry and Jazz share one common trait. If you have to explain to a person what Jazz is or how it makes you feel, then the other person won’t get it. Sometimes a poem cannot be made to fit the literal translation or description of the attendant words that make it up.
My uncle was from Mexico. He like you and so many others living in the USA didn’t have English as a birth tongue. This poem is about a romantic uncle telling stories about the stars to his little nephew. This poem is also about that nephew some 35 years later remembering a magical evening with his now dead uncle and wanting to write a poem that captured the awe and love that he felt that wonderful night.
I hope this goes a long way to helping you understand American English. I also hope this has not been a Zeitverschwendung for you.
-DS Baker
Camino
ngaio c.beck
The one defining,gracious thing about America is the willingness to help the stranger,and you did.
By no metric would I consider our repartee a waste of time.
Vielen Dank,Lebe Wohl!
Ngaio
Does “Camino de Los
Does “Camino de Los Estrellas” translate to “Road of the stars?”
This is a beautiful poem full of fine imagery and metaphors. Worthy of publication, congratulations. I enjoyed it very much.
Always, Cat