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Submitted by Kieran Nelson on 6 February 2008 - 1:34am.
Style / Type:
freeform
The brain really is amazing
lets all face the facts.
Turns mathematics
into words
and thoughts
into equations.
Remembers every single thought
that ever was thunk
It will take that moment
from yesterday on the train
where that man smiled
at that woman.
Process it.
And you understand,
and can feel what they feel.
It really is amazing
just look at these facts!
It invented everything
and the stories
of how everything came to be.
Makes machines of death
Landscape portraits of wonder
The architecture of the ages
and the means to an end.
Yes, it really is amazing.
That brilliant
pink pulsating pile
of human wiring.
But,
then,
if the brain is so amazing,
why can’t it work out
you?
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
(1 vote)
or me
or how to save the planet?
I feel this could have been improved by making it more personal, less like a lecture, while engaging our empathy. But that would be a different poem.
cheers,
Jess
Thanks Jess. I was actually
Thanks Jess. I was actually thinking of making it more like a lecture, using more “wordy”, word…for want of a better word, so that contrast with the last stanza is even more striking.
I was going to explain what I wanted to do with the poem, but I suppose if I have to explain it, then it hasn’t worked.
I shall redo it, I hope you’ll take the time to comment on the 2nd draft.
Thanks again!
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
we will
never work it out, of course. maybe, but probably not. the 4th and 5th stanzas are razor precise and immediately thought provoking; you alternately praise and condemn the wonders of the human mind. then things fall off a little bit, and become didactic. i see the extreme potential in this poem and i would love to see a second version. good job!