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Submitted by frangipangi on 28 January 2008 - 7:24pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Little feet bang, bang, banging
Puffs of dust kicking
Little herds stampeding
Tiny breaths panting
Giggles and sweat
Joys and toys
Here come the boys!
Little feet bang, bang, banging
Fat, sticky fingers splashing mischief
Pulling flowers
Chase’n the cat
Challenge the bird
Stretch my nerve!
Falling dizzily
On the lawn
Play all gone
AT LAST
Play all gone
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
when I was younger, and so were the boys
(1 vote)
You’ve managed to evoke a
You’ve managed to evoke a sharp, clear memory with commendably few words and no undue sentimentality. Nicely written.
Iechyd da [Good Health - Welsh]
Mike
Yes I liked this - you
Yes I liked this - you captured the theme beautifully with the sharp rhythm and flow. You ‘took me there’ - very well done.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
I love my nephews and nieces, have no children
it’s nice to be the cool uncle without having to discipline.
cheers,
Jess
kids!
Hi Jess,
I know you are the coolest uncle those nephews and nieces could ever have. Spoil’em rotten and give ‘em back, lol, what fun!
Yours always,
Fran