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Submitted by frangipangi on 28 January 2008 - 1:36am.
Style / Type:
Japanese
babies watching me
with breath held in wonderment
I behold them too
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
Haiku is not my strong suite, I am a beginner. Help me if you can. Thank you
(2 votes)
the last line needs more oomph
I am loathe to make specific suggestions but perhaps something stronger about your own reaction?
cheers,
Jess
Oomph it shall be!
Thanks Jess for the specifics. Two eyes,hearts,brains are oft more insightful.
Will revise.
Yours,
Frangipangi
Let me know when you wrangle that verse please.
wrangle
ok, box.
Yours,
Fran
I retract my original comment, must have been in a cynical mood.
This is a beauty I have experienced.
cheers,
Jess