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Submitted by frangipangi on 28 January 2008 - 1:30am.| Updated 28 January 2008 - 1:38am.
Style / Type:
Japanese
Smile lit with gold
earth’s eye winks goodbye
day over day gone
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Haiku is not my strong suite, please help me, if you can.
(2 votes)
This works,
haiku attempts to combine nature with human feeling. You succeeded.
cheers,
Jess
I really can't fault this
it has two very unusual things for a haiku, the internal rhyme in the second line and the repetition in the 3rd.
mmm…
have you considered… just maybe, adding “by” as the last word? Not sure about it myself, it would be pretty wildly variant from haiku, the rhyme and extra rhyme/repetition, but see what you think.
cheers,
Jess
Fran I suggest starting with the basics
first line is 5 syllables
second line is 7 syllables
third line is 5 syllables
Make it all about nature
this is the fundamental haiku :)
In your attempt here a smile refers to humans usually and this would make it a combination of haiku and senryu
also your syllable count is off as you have
4
6
5
the basic haiku can be a lot of fun really. if you can find a way to add a philosophy to a degree then you have really made accomplishment.
Keep writing :~)
Mark
Jess and mark
Thank you both for the great critique. Mark, I am glad you to be corrected about my syllable count, I am always a little unsure about that.
Jess, that internal rhyme just happened, not planned nither was the the repetition, I’m going to do this over. I do not remember if Haiku can ever rhyme, well I’ll look it up. You both are a great encouragment.
Yours,
Frangipangi
Write on!
Marks comments are spot on about traditional haiku
but it is considered ok to play pretty free and loose with the form in English because it is such a different language structurally. Kerouac even defined an “American Haiku”
“The American Haiku is not exactly the Japanese
Haiku. The Japanese Haiku is strictly disciplined
to seventeen syllables but since the language
structure is different I don’t think American
Haikus (short three-line poems intended to be
completely packed with Void of Whole) should worry
about syllables because American speech is
something again…bursting to pop.
Above all, a Haiku must be very simple and free
of all poetic trickery and make a little picture
and yet be as airy and graceful as a Vivaldi
Pastorella.”
Jack Kerouac
this would seem to exclude rhyme.
Maybe you would like to experiment with the traditional as Mark describes in order to hone your skill, up to you.
You have fine wordcrafting skills, I’m sure you will excel at any form you tackle.
cheers,
Jess
Hi, Fran
Jess has it right about the American Haiku. You will still find a lot of diehard 5,7,5 believers out there, though. As Mark said, I think you would benefit from establishing the style through the traditional form, just to get a feel for it. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be more comfortable to expand your own use of the structure
A few notes to consider, too. Traditional Haiku deals with nature (as yours does here), or you can keep the 5,7,5 and write about a person to get a Senryu. You can also try your hand at a Tanka. Tanka is where Haiku originated; it’s five lines, thirty-one syllables, broken up as five-seven-five-seven-seven. It is unrhymed and traditionally it reflects nature in a simple and succinct style. The first three lines of the Tanka is where the Haiku began.
If nothing else, it is interesting to attempt new structures and spread your wings!
~ Ronda
haiku
Ronda, thank you for the invaluable information. I am going to practice with the traditional Haiku, and expand from there. You guys are great advocates.Appreciate the help.
Yours,
Frangipangi
Write on!