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Submitted by poewriter58 on 17 January 2008 - 2:22pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
Into the night you will ride
The moon overhead your only guide
The wind whips at your face
The devil is at your heel
He leads you to a place
Where no one needs to feel
Wearing the darkness as your cloak
No promise given, no promise broke
Ah!, but your dream filled eyes they spoke
They tell of you dark knight and where you were led
On your unanswered questions, no light was shed
Only the ravages of a hunger left unfed
Then somewhere in the distance you hear a sound
The echoes abound, they surge, they pound
Rivulets are forming from your fears
Too soon, Too soon you realize they are your tears
Gaining ground you still hear the sound
Too soon, too soon it’s upon you giving you a start
Why, oh why are you trying to outrun your heart
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
The is a selection from the current poetry book that I am in the process of writing
(8 votes)
An interesting tale of dark
An interesting tale of dark fantasy. You used some good imagery to tell the story. I like these lines;
He leads you to a place
Where no one needs to feel
I really enjoyed reading this. It tells a great story and kept me there from beginning to end.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
your comment
Thank you so much for that wonderful comment I am so glad you enjoyed this poem
Chrys
Dark night....knight
I like this ,it is clever and it has an excellent meter . i feel the last line
however is a little flat? Do you feel run out is more fitting ? because it has
a sharper feel? pinksheep ,to be honest i’m not to sure of my advice Pink
your suggestion
Hi and thank you for reading this poem . I’m not quite sure I understand what you want to change. the person is running away from a sound that follows them only to realize that it is their own heart they hear which you and I know you cannot escape. therefore I asked why they are trying to run from what their heart is trying to tell them but if you see something I don’t by all means let me know I’m open
Chrys
I found you!
And with one of my favourite poems as well! I should have known what your user name would be.
Everyone, this is Chrys, a wonderful poet and someone I am proud to call my friend.
This is only one example of her beautiful work. I look forward to more, Chrys!
~ Ronda
Thank you
hey Ronda , that was quite nice of you and appreciated you will get more of my work in time same name different number will have to change it to 59 in a bit
There are parts to this I
There are parts to this I liked and other I didn’t, sorry to go against the trend but I have to be honest.
Firstly I found that the flow in the first stanza to stick a lot, mostly because of the differing syllables in each line. Now I understand it’s freeform and all, so if you meant that ignore me.
Also I felt that some of the actual lines through the poem were only there so that the last one would rhyme, such as:
“Wearing the darkness as your cloak
No promise given, no promise broke”
And
“Rivulets are forming from your fears
Too soon, Too soon you realize they are your tears”
In each second line I found the actual content wanting for something and didn’t really see how they added to the subject matter in the poem.
I did enjoy the last stanza however, the repetition in lines 2 and 4 (of stanza 3) and I actually liked the last line, contrary to Pink. I thought it added a nice conclusion.
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
PS: I realise you only asked for moderate advice so if I’ve been harsh then I apologize, just giving you my thoughts
thank you
I appreciate your opinion and that is why we are here isn’t I cannot expect everyone to like my work can I. Your comments were very honest. the person that I wrote this for , as I do all my poems picked up on the innuendo immediately so it is all good.
It may have appeared to be forced in some places but to be honest they weren’t. Yes it is free form that is all I write. Your thoughts are always welcome no need to apologize. I myself can dig pretty deep when I feel strongly about something. You seemed to have singled out the lines where the message was, when I write for someone in particular I will hide a phrase or word they will recognize and know it was written for them. Now that I have given away one of my secrets lol. I thank you once again
Chrys
Sound
I like this and I think the part about hearing a sound in the distance is too vague. It seems to be an important part and I think if it were more clear I would like the poem even more. Pretty simple it seems just what about the sound to transit clearly into the last stanza. The last stanza is really good it got me thinking.
Thanks,
Mark
thank you
Thank you very much for your comments. I never gave that thought about the sound being so vague good point I may leave this the way it is though the other poems will follow up on that sound so to speak
Chrys
Dark etc
i still really like the 1st stanza ,and for example the 1st line of 2nd stanza.
If you had not told me the meaning of last line i would not have understood this
from the poem itself . Lesley
Nice Poem
I like this . Sometimes we run from things we can’t have, but the heart wants.
Thank You
Or we run from things the heart wants but we are afraid to take thank you for your comment
Chrys
Saying hello again...
Hi Chrys, good to see you here. I always liked your writing, though this one is not as good as I’m used to reading by you. A couple of rough spots, but otherwise a nicely written dark poem. Have a good night. :)
Patrick/AO
hello
Thank you Patrick well I can’t win them all this was given as a gift to someone so I would rather not change it now . Perhaps there are spots here and there. Thank you again
Chrys
Bloody marvellous!
Goodness me, a bit breathless I am. Superbly constructed, beautifully and intelligently written while maintaining an honest, direct emotional connection.
What an entry you have made to NeoPoet! Not just with your first poem here in the Spotlight but with your generous, insightful and thoughtful comments on other’s works.
You are most welcome here.
cheers,
Jess