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Submitted by pinksheep on 29 December 2007 - 11:22am.| Updated 7 September 2008 - 3:18pm.
Style / Type:
Japanese
Red leaf falls with wind
Dragons’ tooth snapping from tree
Fiery leaves are cooled.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
(1 vote)
Good images...
You have a good start here with Autumn Leaves, pinksheep. The middle line is one sylable too long, 8 instead of 7 as it should be. Ask and I will be happy to provide some ideas for a fix. You have good imagery here and that counts for a lot. You are not a great poet yet, but you have much potential, and neither are you a bad poet! :)
Patrick/AO
Syllables
Sometimes when we write structured poetry we focus so intently upon the syllabic content that it is difficult to maintain the internal logic.
Your theme is appealing to that part of me which enjoys eerie moments like the one described.
Now to the logistics of editing - I count eight syllables in the second line. Your final line seems a bit unfinished. “Slain dead” is repetitious, considering that to slay is to kill. To complete your last five syllables and give them a cohesive conclusion, perhaps “Slain in a graveyard” would work? It allows you the correct structure and clarifies that you are speaking of the dragon’s (add the possessive case with the apostrophe) slaying.
Hope this has offered some constructive assistance.
~ Ronda
Autumn Leaves
Thank you Rhonda and Patrick have edited Lesley
I liked this alot
Brilliant images and imagination used in this haiku. I agree with Ronda’s suggestion for the last line - it adds a softer but equally eerie feel to the whole poem. Nice work! I remember reading and enjoying your work earlier this year when I first joined Neopoet. Its good to see you back.
best wishes
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Autumn Leaves
Thank you Kaz for your extremely positive comments . If it was not for you
publishing your haiku Butterfly Tears on this site, I would probably not even
have bothered to write . I have now written two haikus ,that is better than
nothing at all . Sincerest Regards Lesley. I also find it very hard to type
Sincerest Regards once more.
Wow
Butterfly Tears inspired you? Thank you. That has left me humbled!
Very best wishes to you Lesley.
Kaz.
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Rarely, maybe this is the first time,
do I apologise for another members comments. Ancientone has clearly not read your body of work here. He also counted the syllables wrong if it supposed to be a haiku.
It evokes powerfully, but am not sure what you mean. Could maybe use some work there.
cheers,
Jess
There has been editing
Regarding Ancientone’s comment (and mine) in consideration of syllablic count, the poem has been edited since the comments were left, as noted in Lesley’s reply beneath them. Sorry for any confusion there, Jess.
However, that said, I do understand the reason behind your apology.
Nice edit, pinksheep. That last line still seems difficult, but the piece as a whole does resonate of powerful imagery.
~ Ronda
Thankyou
Ronda I have now changed the last line, it took me so long to change it and
you went into some time for me, and i did not listen- purpledoll understood
you, and i still did not listen-
Lesley
Thank you for bringing me back to this piece. I truly enjoyed reading it again and the edit is very nice.
I appreciate you considering my suggestions.
Best,
~ Ronda
Ronda
you appreciate me and you are humbled when i say your poems are good work, i wish i could be as noble as you, you are the one with the literary Knowledge Ronda, i
hope one day to write a poem that comes that wee bit closer to the refined
esscence of your pieces.
Pink
I get a clear picture of fall waiting for winter to arrive. I enjoyed reading. Autumn. My favorite time of the year.
>
Wow. Very dramatic, you gave this a royal touch.
Cheers
whitetea and linda , linda i am still working on the concept you brought into in
shades of grey, i think i dig it now, you make a thing into a person that does
an action-i quote you ‘depression creeps in on black slippered feet’ , oh yes
then you have given it in this case something to wear GREAT , a lot goin on there
linda my regards-pinksheep