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Submitted by weirdelf on 8 June 2007 - 7:39am.| Updated 6 June 2008 - 9:14am.
Style / Type:
freeform
A moment’s inattention and oh,
Steel pierces his flesh.
And oh dear,
lots of claret quickly soaks his sock.
But,
Hard man.
Patch it up.
Back to work.
The redness oozing through his white overalls,
a badge of manhood.
Or perhaps defloration of his thigh
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Should mention, "claret" is Australian slang for blood
(4 votes)
Try again Joe
No offense but you seem to be one of the few who didn’t get this poem and maybe have a giggle,
Weirdelf
Ok here is another one...
Yes I “Got it.” Ask any Electrician what the number one bandaid they use is…It is electrical tape. I got it, and I got a chuckle out of it. Good use of the word “Claret” -Which is also a type of wine by the way.
All the Best!
Work, stretch, take risks, visualize your future. Become the poet you have always longed to be. All that is needed is honest effort.-DSB
Thanks
You should take out blade in both lines. It’s easy to infer what you’re talking about without the word blade and since everything else is abstract and thats concrete it throws the poem off a bit. Hm..I don’t drink nor do I know anything about alcohol therefore claret threw me off, the word didn’t fit. It doesn’t evoke any images, maybe you should change it to something that screams blood. I understand that you didn’t want to use mundane cliche words for blood but blood simply may work.
I love the last 3 lines, especially the “defloration of his thigh” Are you suggesting that scars or cuts are as equivalent as a woman losing her virginity because it establishes a sense of manhood?
Thanks for the read
peace
your feedback
Spot on Word! Will lose both blades. Oops, got caught in parochialism there, “claret” is Australian working class slang for blood.
The last 3 lines? I meant his thigh is fucked, teehee,
cheers
Weirdelf
Thanks
Ahh…okay, well I now love that line even more. Blunt and straight to the point.
Thanks for the explanation.
Peace
Face Value
that is what I take this for and it leaves me wondering what he was doing for work - maybe a bit of clarification on this would be helpful for at least me. It kept me interested enough to read :-)
thanks
Does it matter what he does for work? The point is he is a worker