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Submitted by pinksheep on 28 December 2007 - 3:56pm.| Updated 28 December 2007 - 2:56pm.
Style / Type:
Japanese
Snow leopards chasing
Winds of glacial mountains
Melt into long springs
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
I d'ont know how to improve this should I be using of.
(1 vote)
Ignore my comment on the
Ignore my comment on the first version. This makes much more sense.
I enjoyed the visuals again!
Mike
Photo: Me, September 7th 2007 - my 66th Birthday. Guernsey, Channel Islands, UK
For my own orginal graphic art please visit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/7911705@N07
Here again...
you missed the proper sylable count in the middle line, 6 instead of 7, otherwise great imagery. Add the word high before glacial and you have a fix, voila! :)
Patrick
Haiku
I didn’t care for the last line, but loved the first two!
imagery
I truly enjoy the imagery on this poem and all of your poems, which have inspired me to try to write a few haiku of my own.
good luck with all your writing, and thanks for the comment on Crimson Dreams.
Bryan
>
haikus are tricky people have to pick words which say lot when they are alone. you wrote a great one here.
did you take some of your old writing down?