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Sinbadthesaliorman

sinbadthesaliorman's picture
General Member
Midwest,
United States

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Style / Type: 
freeform

In the dark of night, betrayed by a compass’s trust, which lead us

To our unique position,revealed now by, the Northern Lights
 
The decks glisten and sway, to the dance of those swirling lights
 
The Old salts are being defeated by,the fresh water spray, it keeps mounting

Continually weighing her body down

As we pass through the narrow straights, the Old Salts stand frozen and silent

At the appearance of those brilliant white monsters, as they come into view

They are floating near and ever so dangerously close

They lay in wait to devour our cherished vessel and our meaningless bodies

Our soul’s quiver and shake, as they continually approach our lady

For we know what lies beneath the turquoise blue calm

The Blazing midnight sands and the cold grasping fingers
of Davy Jones’ hands

The monsters come upon her sides; our fair lady she screams in utter pain

Tears of fear, mount upon our cheeks

They cease their advancement and crush us not, they stand ever so still
as if they mean to say, you all belong to us now

We await our fate, the torment is spine chilling, the stern, it is continually shaking 
we await the bows breaking

They stand and stand, knowing our lives flash scenes of our misadventures

Memories of the high and favorable seas, booty’s won and then lost

The tan tight bodies of island girls

O’ Neptune, crush us not, for we are but mere fleas upon your back

We have no teeth and cause you no itch

Please O’ King of the Seas, release our fair lady

Let her proceed to dance on your tempered waves

She was deceived, tricked, and betrayed incoming here to your sanctuary

Dear King, send  us an easterly wind down

Dispense these here mountains, of crystal blue, top with brilliant white

Release her please! O’ King of the Seas

Let her sail on, keep us if you must, as payment in full

And yet they stand frozen in time

Captives

 

 

 

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
Reworking for the book
4.2
Average: 4.2 (5 votes)
Submitted by IKnowNoBox on 1 November 2007 - 4:01pm.
IKnowNoBox's picture

I got sea sick reading this! The title grabbed me.

Wow (spell check on the bar has a check mark then ABC)
The spelling inconsistances kind of give flavor to this.

Now I will ask the question,”Have you been at sea in a storm?”SinBad you Poet.

In ink,
Jolly Dabber

ps there may still be a pirate translator in the formate I would like to read it like that as well.

Submitted by IKnowNoBox on 1 November 2007 - 4:01pm.
IKnowNoBox's picture

I got sea sick reading this! The title grabbed me.

Wow (spell check on the bar has a check mark then ABC)
The spelling inconsistances kind of give flavor to this.

Now I will ask the question,”Have you been at sea in a storm?”SinBad you Poet.

In ink,
Jolly Dabber

ps there may still be a pirate translator in the formate I would like to read it like that as well.

Submitted by dbrock on 1 November 2007 - 5:35pm.
dbrock's picture

WOW…like a captivating

WOW…like a captivating short story. Felt like I was there! Enjoyed the read.

dbrock/donna

Submitted by sinbadthesaliorman on 12 December 2007 - 3:19pm.
sinbadthesaliorman's picture

Thanx you Donna

Glad you enjoyed it I been trying to catch up on all the replys But in my rush to post when I first came here I didn’t quite catch on as how things were set up and how easy it is to reply Guess I needed to be stroked as the others say since I just came from Poetry.com to this site an Im glad I found it although I do miss all those editor choice awards coming in the mail but I can always go back there when I need a Good stroking See ya around I would use the Live chat but I cant seem to get sign on for some reason
Donnie/Sinbad

Submitted by sinbadthesaliorman on 2 November 2007 - 3:37pm.
sinbadthesaliorman's picture

Only five or six good ones and a really scary on one the Lake Mi

Have some sea life not much most is just make believe but I draw form past life expireances in my dreams

Submitted by purplemoondoll on 2 November 2007 - 3:43pm.
purplemoondoll's picture

Chilling

These lines sent chills up my spine:-

Sultry midnight sands and the cold grasping fingers of Davey Jones’ hands
The monsters come upon her sides; our fair Lady; she screams in utter pain
Our tears mount upon our cheeks
They cease their advancement and stand ever so still

I also really like the closing lines.This quite an epic tale you have written here. Well done.

Kaz

It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Submitted by weirdelf on 3 November 2007 - 3:07am.
weirdelf's picture

Wow! This really grabbed me.

I am a surfer, not a sailor, but know the deep respect the ocean commands its awesome power. This poem has the feel of the classics and the humility of those who have faced those elements. Can’t help wondering why the Ocean is “she” but Davy Jones is “he”. She the archetypal maiden/mother/hag, he the warrior destroyer? Are you a closet feminist? 8)
Great to see the growth in your poetry, look forward to much more.
cheers,
Jess

Submitted by mark on 8 November 2007 - 1:27am.
mark's picture

grew up in boats

“lived” in a canoe for years.

“There is no dignity in drowning,no silent succumbing to the water’s ebb and flow. It is violent, and painful, a shock to the heart. Even in death their corpses scream” from Dispatches From The Edge by Anderson Cooper (talking about Sri Lanka)

Next time I go deep sea I will be sure to check the weather (and compass) Nice writing sinbad. Took me a while to get here but once in I was kept.
Mark

Submitted by sinbadthesaliorman on 8 November 2007 - 2:44pm.
sinbadthesaliorman's picture

A mark do you dive I'm aow night search and recovery diver mysel

f trying to get back into the beging of next spring
I lack three certs to being a master But I want to be an instructor to Hope to be able to scrape up the funds next year Donnie

Submitted by mark on 8 November 2007 - 8:36pm.
mark's picture

Full of envy

have some exposure but could not carry a conversation. Snorkeling is really my love with diving but I have not been graced with the oppertunity for either in years. I miss the fishing too it has become so expensive and fish are becomming a rare species in this neighborhood. Hope you can do the scraping and be a lucky man Donnie !
Mark

Submitted by sinbadthesaliorman on 9 November 2007 - 12:35pm.
sinbadthesaliorman's picture

Thanx

Yea sucba was a love of mine but then came the woman who has inadvertly inspire my writings love the hat