The first and only democratic, member-ran poetry community — Register Free
Submitted by calliope on 21 October 2007 - 4:26pm.| Updated 3 March 2008 - 7:48pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
I stand in the rain.
The thunder.
I feel it in my chest.
An obsessive ache that I crave.
Another.
Roaring crash of thunder.
Long and drawn out.
The exquisite vibrations.
Turning me inside
And out.
The rain keeps on singing.
My heart cannot be still.
O’ come glorious thunder.
For this be thy will.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
Here are the changes.Does it flow better.
(4 votes)
Hardly ever have thunder where I live
thanks for the memories.
In ink,
Dabbler
tantilizing and romantic
this has a beautiful greyness to it, and yet I think you could expand on it just a touch. Right after “turning my insides” I just feel it needs a bit… more. It is so abrupt there, and I feel it loses its emotional resonance at that point. But still it is a wonderful and homely piece.
Mark W.
Wow
You took me there. I could hear and see you in the storm with arms wide open. I agree that maybe you could add to it a little after ’ turning me inside out’ to add more resonance to the feeling/sensations of the storm. Maybe another stanza? I dont know - See what you think. As its stands its a great read - I love the voice you use to capture the scene.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Liked it! Suggest first
Liked it! Suggest first line would be better as-
Standing in the rain
In L4 suggest you cut “that i crave” as you
have already implied that.
Change period in L2 Stanza 3 to comer
L3 stanza 2. cut “and” - long, drawn out.
L4 cut period.
Stanza 4 cut all periods until end.
All the best
eric
Nice work
I wouldn’t change a thing these are your feelings and they should stand as such this is a good write as is,however I for one and it is only my opinion would like to see this extended a bit
perhaps you might want to find a more dramatic word then turning(me inside and out) as the word turning seems mild in comparison to the strength of the thunder but that is purely a suggestion for you to toss about
nice work
Chrys