Like moving to the East Village, but easier on the wallet. — Register Free
Submitted by Wafi on 30 January 2010 - 4:09am.| Updated 31 January 2010 - 6:34am.
Style / Type:
freeform
Resisting the pull of gravity,
His head,
Heavy with the hollowness of heroin,
Swings slowly…
Like a pendulum
In dense water…
His eyes no more
Can bear
The weight of his eyelids–
Falling down
Like dead fishes
Drowning…
Like a weak tree
Tilted by wind,
His shoulders
Leaning ahead
Turning his back
Into a bow…
So vulnerable
He seems…
Like a dust particle
Floating
In the air…
In the late hour
Of that calm night,
With shivery legs,
I see him move
In the market
Like the scattered smoke
Of his dying cigarette–
Smoldering
Silently
The lush jungle
Of his youth…
Ah…
My heart sinks
In my body’s ditch
And Time
Holds its breath
To behold
His wretched state…
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Suggestions Appreciated...
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Hey Wafi,Great emotional
Hey Wafi,
Great emotional write!
I would try to put more words on a line and then stanzas of four lines…might make it a lot easier to read but very good all the same
Best regards
Stuart
Dear Stuart
Dear Stuart, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.
I appreciate your thoughts a lot.
Looking forward to reading your work.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
Wafi
“Like the scattered smoke
Of his dying cigarette–
Smoldering
Silently
The lush jungle
Of his youth…”
To me, it seemed the speaker had more to say after these lines, before the end of this intriguing write.
Victor Claude
I Agree
Dear Victor Claude, thanks a lot for taking the time to read and comment. I agree with your suggestion. It seems to me so, as well. Will work on it.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
Thank You So Much
Thank you so much, dear friend, for taking the time to read and commnet. I so love your honest opinion. Have noticed your bold and honest comments on others’ work, glad you read and commented on mine, too.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
Dear Wafi
The bow of a spent seed pod turning in its journey downwards
to the ground where …will it grow again…will it find a place to root
or will it not?
This I like Wafi, it it sad to see man reduced to mere dust, when life
is so special and beautiful for others, so strange and difficult to understand
this life, our brains taking paths sometimes against our will, when we
should be sensible but find we are not.
Yours Ann of Norway
“Like a pendulum
Swinging in dense water…”….cut out swinging as it swings above?
“With shivery legs,
I see him
Move” I see him move..I think its neater on the same line?
Thank You So Much My Sweet Ann Of Norway
So glad you read and commented on it. Thanks for the tweaking of it. Love your beautiful new photo.
Dear Ann, must say that you say things so beautifully, even when discussing a sad or hopeless thing, you never let others feel hopeless and I can imagine you walking on the crooked path of life with a sweet smile on your glowing face. Your life must be happy with the way you live it!
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
...an old man who looked like God
Oh Wafi you make me blush, I AM happy in my life and thankful, so very thankful to be so, and thank you thank you for your such sweet words to me, we learn how to comment with the positive; having had a great deal of my life felt others not so positive I know what it is like to feel the underdog, and fight tooth and nail to help those who feel that way. One sees when it is so and with just a smile or a kind remark can change someone’s day into a happy one. Oh hark at me, I am far too, too far from perfect, we are after all human, but one strives to help. I only do so where I feel I can, so I have sometimes left poems without making comments because I didn’t think that I had anything to offer, so then there’s no point in it.
I am also happy because of all of you here who are such lovely people, also so positive and understanding, I feel at home on this site as if I drop in for a cuppa and a chat, and with people who have the same intense feelings for poetry and music in life, that is so wonderful to find, and enjoy.
Thank you thank you thank you ALL here I love you. I feel like a citizen of the world, and that’s as it should be. Here we find those whose sympathies correspond to ours and then we can dance together, that’s a special privilege given to us by technology and for which I am so very very glad, to be able to take part in it. I am intoxicated by it as is Anni, we have to limit our use of this data as our necks and health can turn on us with dislike and that’s not such a good thing.
Thank you Wafi again.
Could add a little bit about the people in Aswan who went around like dustbin collectors only collecting old used plastic,one man in his grey cotton robe, an old man who looked like God, walked among the throng there in the market, his ancient looking cart piled high with the tattered flapping pieces of plastic he had gleaned from the ground; I was moved by the sight and it is, like your poem, a moment in the life of another that we never forget, it comes back to haunt our well being with its injustice, and I know that you are interested in that aspect of humanity.
Love from Ann of Norway.
Thank You Dearest Ann
Thank you dearest Ann, we love you too :)
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
Dear Wafi
I would break this is two or three parts to make the reader pause and let sink in what they have just read … this needs to be sipped in small amounts …
and these last lines are brilliant lol just wish I thought of them ;)
And Time
Holds its breath
To behold
His wretched state…
love and hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x
Dearest Jayne
Dearest Jayne, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I so liked this line “this needs to be sipped in small amounts”. Will work on it.
So glad you like it. Appreciate your thoughts and suggestions a lot.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
I jump in here to agree
with you Jayne, sometimes he respect one has for the writer hinders the changing of their piece, but you are so right in this comment.
Love as aye from Ann
I love it now Wafi … the
I love it now Wafi … the line breaks give it oomph !!! now its finished in my eyes but others may make suggestions I cant see …
love and big hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x
Torment...
is what comes to mind in this read. A broken man in your sight makes you feel helpless. I agree with the comments that by bringing some of the lines together will make this touching poem a better read.
It’s a great poem sympathising with the struggles of drug addiction
Love it Wafi
Rosina
xena465
Thanks A Lot Dear Rosina
Thanks a lot dear Rosina. I so appreciate your comments.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
hi
hi some great imagery here and you
have gotton some good advise also
good to read you ,,,,,,,,ziggy
Thanks A Lot Dear Ziggy
Thanks a lot dear Ziggy, for taking the time to read and comment. So glad you liked it.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
Dear Wafi
Brilliant piece from such a talent. A pleasure.
XX
Thank You Dear Lyz
Thank you dear Lyz, for reading and commenting. I appreciate your thoughts a lot.
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
a softer heart would weep to
a softer heart would weep to see what you have seen. you are touched with the divine spark. John
Thank You Dear John
Thank you dear John. I am always touched by your great comments.
I am encouraged :)
Sincerely,
Wafi
“Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!” ~Afzal Shauq~
ur pedestal
Wafi ur pedestal is
above the clouds
one has to fly high
to catch u r words
and
understand their meaning
but a little refrain
I dare to maintain
water can’t,
Never be dense…
its density is always one
the rest of the fluids and liquids
Thus we compare with water…
except blood
which we say is
Thicker than water.