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Submitted by JT Vash on 27 January 2010 - 3:11am.| Updated 8 February 2010 - 6:22pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
the shattered fragments of my heart
will gather on the ground
and like the gently falling snow
they’ll dance the whole way down
they will stain the white laced winter floor
the darkest crimson shade
whilest you tilt your head back laughing
at the mess that you had made,
and youll back away in rythymn
moving delicate and slow
as your life becomes a sorted list
of why you ‘had to go’
You will leave this place of chaos
moving to the more serene
as i huddle in a corner
bleeding terribly unclean
and i’ll rock myself in cirlces
crying through my final breath
that ill always keep you in my mind
in life and now in death
as i reach into the scarlet pool
pull out the makeshift knife
the last remains of memory
now serve to end my life
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Welcome, and thank you for
Welcome, and thank you for your poem, Poet!
~A
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
Albert Pine
hello
Excellent imagery and construction!
I, too, say welcome.
Always, Cat
the first 4 lines are
the first 4 lines are strong, the 5th line is too long you could shorten it by writng ‘they’ll’ and leaving out ‘winter’, line 7 ‘whilest’ is an anacronism, use ‘while’ also ‘back’ is redundant. I wont analyze the whole poem but you see my point, it could be sharpened up.
You need to spend more time on your poems, this has several spelling and punctuation mistakes, read your poems atleast 10 times, and read them aloud, each time you do you will find better ways of saying what you want to say, also don’t rush to publish poems, but give them time, leave them for a day or two and then reread them ( this doesn’t apply if you think the poem is just right, only if its unfinished) may I suggest you read more modern poets. It is generally considered harder to write in verse forms than in free form, not just technique wise but because of the musicality involved. Either way you seem to have a good ear, I am assuming you’re young so all I can suggest is to persevere.
Hi JT,
I agree with almost everything Ross said: you have good rhythm for the most part, which makes your poetry a joy to read - or would make it that, if it wasn’t for the spelling and grammar problems. Do stick to the tense you picked, and do use spellcheck.
Yours,
~Nina