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Barbara Writes

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South Carolina,
United States

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Submitted by Barbara Writes on 1 January 2010 - 12:46pm.| Updated 1 January 2010 - 2:15pm.
Style / Type: 
freeform

Innocence is Golden

Dear love I write this letter
Because you make my heart sing
With flattering utters
That makes me blush

You make me flirt
Wiggle like jelly
When I see you coming
In my direction

When feeling bashful
Blushing pink
You make me giggle
When you touch my cheeks

Like a virgin on prom night
Experiencing her first love
You make my heart beat quickly
When you kiss my lips

A girl living the new thirties
Innocence is golden

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
just messing around with this theme to see if it works
»
Submitted by sunscreen on 1 January 2010 - 1:49pm.
sunscreen's picture

Hmmm.......

Using Cuz instead of Cause makes this somewhat unappealing, and the repetition of it is sort of like a song. The last two lines could use a little revision. I’m no expert that is just my opinion, happy new years day, and good luck. :)

Submitted by Barbara Writes on 1 January 2010 - 3:05pm.
Barbara Writes's picture

Thanks for critiquing

cause does sound better. because sounds even better

~~~~~~~~~
Be whoever you are
At all times, and
Remember that
Because of this, people will
Always
Respect, and
Admire you
©2008Leonard

Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara

Submitted by sunscreen on 1 January 2010 - 3:54pm.
sunscreen's picture

Nice revision

I like this version a whole lot better, nicely done :)

Submitted by Brian Lucky on 5 January 2010 - 1:19am.
Brian Lucky's picture

I think this is really cute.

I think this is really cute. I actually feel lighter from reading it.

Submitted by Barbara Writes on 5 January 2010 - 2:19am.
Barbara Writes's picture

Brian

thanks for reading and commenting. the forties is rough. I though writing this might lighten up the mood at least for me.

Glad it lighten thing up for you.

~~~~~~~~~
If you don’t like it, can’t talk about it, then write about it.

Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara

Submitted by Barbara Writes on 5 January 2010 - 2:20am.
Barbara Writes's picture

~~~~~~~~~ If you don’t

~~~~~~~~~
If you don’t like it, can’t talk about it, then write about it.

Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara

Submitted by Average on 7 January 2010 - 11:05am.
Average's picture

i think i like your poem

i think i like your poem it’s great. i am captivated by your romantic use of language. keep it up.

Submitted by Barbara Writes on 7 January 2010 - 9:20pm.
Barbara Writes's picture

Average

Glad you like it. I wanted the poem to speak in a soft sensual tone.

~~~~~~~~~
If you don’t like it, can’t talk about it, then write about it.

Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara