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Barbara Writes
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Submitted by Barbara Writes on 24 May 2009 - 6:37pm.| Updated 30 May 2009 - 8:58pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
The Big Mistake
She wonders where her journey ends
Pondering faces everywhere
She looks for love in lonely places
Wondering if her pain will cease
Smoldering in her desperate heart
She felt she had her one true love
Lingering in those after thoughts
Like a fleeting mist he’s gone
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
I made some minor changes, what's the verdict.
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DOA
Thanks for the comment. I thinks it sounds good as is but I did make changes to see how it would sound. whats you thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~
Be whoever you are
At all times, and
Remember that
Because of this, people will
Always
Respect, and
Admire you
©2008Leonard
Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara
Hey Barbara,
WOW!!
That’s a journey no one wants to take,
but sadly enough most do jump on the train.
It’s a ride with few station,
and hard to find where is your particular exit.
I love it short a to the point,
showing incredible Love and pain!!
I Love these last two lines,
they say so much of our human fragility.
“Lingering like a fleeting mist
Here today gone tomorrow”
For me it worked just as it is!!!
Thanks,
Eddie
Eddie
Thanks Eddie I really appreciate the comment and the five stars.
I made a few changes though I saved the original. It came in at 1 out of seven and now it rates 2 out of nine entries. On Helium.com.
~~~~~~~~~
Be whoever you are
At all times, and
Remember that
Because of this, people will
Always
Respect, and
Admire you
©2008Leonard
Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara
The Big Mistake
Barbara, Love this one, except the last line. Just a line so overused
[my opinion only so take or leave it~] Nicely done!
______________________________________________________
Income-tax forms should be more realistic by
allowing the taxpayer to list “Uncle Sam” as a dependent
Anonymous
Janice
You have a good point. I change the ending hope it resonates well with you.
Thanks for the vote
~~~~~~~~~
Be whoever you are
At all times, and
Remember that
Because of this, people will
Always
Respect, and
Admire you
©2008Leonard
Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara
Bab, good work
Firstly i would like u to know how great is the structure of your poem, it goes well to me from the first stanza to the last, although i didn’t quite understand the very last one in which you said——Here today gone tomorrow.
Love and light
paparazii
The Big Mistake
Barbara, Sorry it took so long to get back to you.
I like the ending a lot better. If I interpret this correctly.
_____________________________________________________
Income-tax forms should be more realistic by
allowing the taxpayer to list “Uncle Sam” as a dependent
Anonymous
Hello Barbara
I think there has been some rewrites since you first started this. As it stands today, it sounds just right. It always amazes me how universal poetry is. Do we all have the same experiences in some way or another?
‘She wonders where her journey ends
Pondering faces everywhere’
To me this sounds like this person is waiting, if nothing else, just to lay eyes on him again.
‘Lingering in those after thoughts
Like a fleeting mist he’s gone’
Not really thinking about the past too much anymore, but wishing for just one more moment.
Yours, Deelilah
Loved the poem.
Deeliah
I think people are the same everywhere though different. thanks for the comment. glad you.
~~~~~~~~~
Be whoever you are
At all times, and
Remember that
Because of this, people will
Always
Respect, and
Admire you
©2008Leonard
Respectfully
Yours,
Barbara