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Submitted by purplemoondoll on 1 August 2007 - 12:20pm.| Updated 1 August 2007 - 1:21pm.
I could love you if you were real
Embrace the moment, truly feel
Loves true worth - but sadly no
Your plastic smile has got to go
Hindsight haunts your waking hours
Regret will linger, turn you sour
Fortune missed the ferry home
You’ll pay the price and live alone
My life moves on, I taste the kiss
Of lust, desire and waking bliss
You’ll never know how much I cared.
But now it’s gone – our story’s snared
This is a poem about facing up to reality and ending a relationship.
(1 vote)
Relate
Could relate so much to what you have written. Enjoyed the simplicity of style which drove every line. Particularly liked the ending and hoped I have never been the person at the start.
Cheers for a great write
yeah, I like this
and unlike wellbelove I truly have been the plastic smile, and regret it deeply.
It is simple and clear, my only slight reservation is that I feel the rhyme is a tad forced, especially the last line. But you know that’s my own peccadillo,
cheers,
Jess
Thank you
Thank you both for your comments. Thanks for an honest critque too - the last lines I agree Jess could maybe use some work - still thinking about that. I like them a lot but - maybe one to think about and possibly edit!
lines 5, 6 & 7.
your hindsight or theirs?
this reminds me of how things that appeal to the senses destract me from my real work of finding out who the hell i am.
the rhyming needs a little work but you’ve definitly got something by using it. one say i’ll rhyme if i bother to get off my arse and be a hard-working poet (is that an oxy-moron?)
Oxymoron?
Heh heh possibly. The hindsight is definitely theirs! I’m over it lol that’s why i wrote this poem! thanks for your comments - taken on board and very much appreciated!
Kaz x
kazx
Seems as if you held onto your sanity while you watched the person hang themself. That happens when we are strong and can write out our feelings. Poets are strong because their words back them up. Writing the words can allow us to walk away and not look back.
Very Very Kaz
Ladywriter
You hit the nail right on the head!
Cheers - Kaz
Flowing
This was a nice read. I loved how the poem just flowed along at a soft pace, as if it were natural. Some people never know how much they were loved simply because they didn’t open their eyes! Have a good one!
Brittany Rae
think its great
great read as always, i thought the flow was on it, enjoyed it.