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Docmaverick
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Submitted by docmaverick on 31 July 2007 - 5:08am.| Updated 29 August 2007 - 5:29am.
Style / Type:
Western Classic
The enemy within
is finally here,
the one you need to blame
is the stranger in the mirror.
This shadow of yourself
of which you should have fear,
has caused all this to happen
this stranger in the mirror.
You’re not the same person
for reasons still unclear,
you’ve taken the wrong journey
with the stranger in the mirror.
From all the mental junkfood
to the things that you hold dear,
your vision has been clouded
by the stranger in the mirror.
You need a set of principals
to which you can adhere,
then maybe you can turn away
from the stranger in the mirror.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
(1 vote)
good concept
but it needs work. “the stranger in the mirror” is repeated six times, including title and that seems to flood the rest.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that one way it might work better is instead of blaming the stranger in the mirror, find the reasons he became a stranger, you were on track there with “From all the mental junkfood
to the things that you hold dear,
your vision has been clouded”
Hope this helps.
cheers,
Jess